to move on..

i havent cry in years as i cry last night, is the hardest way of cry, full of sorrow and a miserable way of look at the problem.
so i cant said it was easy to end as we did.
somehow i feel empty, just how i felt before i meat him. lonely.
if i could just make time go back!.. but i guess we cant do this because of a stronger fotce that doesnt
want us to change the future in order to things stay as "is suposed to be".

well imnot sure if this is the yas i want it to be..
i know this i not the best desition but i want to feel good such as i know he deserves to be happy, as well.
to break that something you are used to.., that something i used to called love. but what is love anyway?
i believe is that aweful feeling that keep you atached to the pass and what things used to be like.

i have to say, i was sure the end was closed. if im honest our relationship was at the edge of happyness making it a never endless pain.

to move on after a break up is as hard as wake up for school.. yeah .HARD.
im not sure of how many days, weeks or years im going to take to cross over (sure, i know im talking as i was dead) .
so whats next? i can barely remember how does it feel to be alone.
is that strange way of look at life,.. just empty .___.

recognize the ache of a broken heart is a decrease of love. that word again LOVE it will be easier if taht word could just be gone.
if i could forget! every single moment i felt like i was understanding that misarable thing LOVE.

it doesnt matter where i look at, those memories are always there..
hounting me!

.

a wish on a star..

regresaba de una salida con mis papas cuando me pare a ver el cielo (algo que tenia meses de no hacer).
me di cuenta que la estrella que mas brillaba era la misma que solia ver desde mi ventana antes de dormir cuando tenia talvez unos 10 anios (6 anios desde entonces).
me detube a verla, mas que a verla a ponerle atencion..
estube ahi unos 5 min hasta que me pidieron que entrara.. subi a mi cuarto a contemplarla desde ahi, como en los viejos tiempos.
senti la misma sensacion asi que decidi pedir un deseo usando la frase que siempre utilize:
estrella brillante, estrella luminosa, estrella hermosa que en este cielo reposa te kiero pedir un deseo.. el deseo que deseo es el siguiente deseo:
solo kiero (me kede pensando una media hora) me di cuenta que son ciertas cosas que deseo cambiar, por no decir bastantes..
heche un vistaso a mi pasado y descubri la cantidad de errores y problemas en mi vida..
me di cuenta que he lastimado a varias personas pero al final yo sufro a un mas..
pero ser capaz de ver el pasado y reconozer ciertos errores es un gran paso hacia un alma mejor..
tambien me situe en el presente viendo las 2 decisiones que debo tomar, realmente importantes.
cada una puede terminar o empezar algo.
de repente siento que stoi llorando, damn como odio llorar!
me empiezo a sentir confundida y fatigada, es obvio, demasiados pensamientos negativos cruzaban mi mente.
trate de controlar lo que con mike soliamos llamar casquito.ANSIEDAD.
i sin darme cuenta no paraba de llorar, talvez xq estaba reprimiendo estos sentimientos desde hace mucho, o simplemente soy una persona muy debil. (probablemente una mezcla de los dos)
vi que habia cerca un vaso de agua, el que no tome ayer :).
eso me calmo un poco, pero no pude evitar seguir pensado.
tome todos mis sentimientos y los puse un una frase..
.solo te pido estrella que me pongas en lugar y con la persona que debo estar. asi de sencillo.

al decir estas palabras tambien quise agradecer (probablente a dios)
por las cosas buenas que me dio este anio, AMIGOS pero esos reales que estan ahi no matter what!
mi estado de animo cambio otra vez y senti una alegria (al menos eso parecio ser) y de nuevo las lagrimas. damn!
me di cuenta que la mayoria de estos amigos se iran! si tomo la decision (esta es una de las 2 razones importantes).
y como sera de dificil kitarlos de mi corazon cuando tomaron este lugar tan importante!
pase lo que pase se que los reales seguiran ahi..

desps de tan drasticos cambios de emociones decidi solo dormir xq ya no podia mas. dormi tanto probablemente unas 13 horas :S
considerando que me dormi a las dos de la maniana i desperte a las 3 de la tarde para ir al aeropuerto.
al levantarme llegue a la conclusion de que..

to end with this big deal i just wish to actually see the changes, the ones i need to make my decition a little bit easier. its all about DESTINY and a wish on a star.

changes

this year i was supposed to grow up, well i don't feel like i have change.
anyway i think somehow there are several things and thoughts that make me feel different as last year.

things like the way i look at my childhood sweetheart, is something stronger and a little bit more real.
as a matter of fact now im sure im in love.
i was sure this year our relationship was going to end because of his attitude and my weak heart, well it wasn't like that we actually became stronger. (:

in the other hand i feel some things still the same, like the way my parents act.
if im honest i have more friends than my brother so i guess thats why my parents take care about him more than they care about me.
and they are always trying to make him feel important.
but i will rater had my family love than the amount of friends that surround me..

life seem to be harder and tough,well it does hurt to grow up.
im 16 years old and everything annoyed me and bothers me.
im not 100% happy if im honest, and i think is my fault cuz i dont want to be it and im to busy looking to the dark side of my life instead of look at the great things (im gonna say god) gave me.

maybe some day i will woke up and i will realize how blessed i am, but is definitely not going to be soon cause i don't feel as mature person. well im just being a kid. and i pray for my own CHANGE.

when i give a look to my past i realize that many of the mistakes i made where because of my attitude, thinking i didn't hurt anyone.. and actually is not like that.
i hurt people that doesn't deserve it i lay way to much in the past, and i hate it.
i make someone suffer but at the end i suffer even more, now is too late to say im sorry.

if i could just make time go back for sure i will reject lots of bad things i did.. and said
for now and on im gonna try my best to became in to a better person and a honest girl, so i guess thats a part of maturity.

to look at the past an be able to recognize mistakes and lack of honesty is a big step in to a better soul.
even do im sure is gonna be hella hard i will not give up to a be a best girl (:

i know when i reach the maturity i need to, im gonna realize that many tears wasn't worthy..
im really sorry for all the pain i cause to some important persons in my life. it was because i used to think man im such a rebel.. quite stupid i most admit.

so to end with this big deal i just wish to actually see the changes, the ones i need in my life (: