I wish I could do something with this reckless thoughts but I can't. I really try to found a reason why I should stop with this, but it seems like my mind tricks are stronger than the words he says..
Okey, I have to list the priorities of what im dealing with:
The search of true love and how fast I found it.
The fact of being a completely asshole and stop with the irracional ideas that cross my mind.
Try to NOT compare my present with my past plus forget the mistakes i commited once.
Turn negative into posstive as fast as I can, rember someday will be TOO LATE.
TRUST a big and huge bowl of trust.. self-esteem (y) I need a bit more of that.

Oh, and I have to always,TOUJOURS!..
THERE IS TRUTH IN HIS EYES
THERE IS TRUTH IN HIS EYES
THERE IS TRUTH IN HIS EYES

mon dix

The lights are on and they shine over me
all I want is you to stay close to me
Sun rises and the moon hides
We are together as the days passes by

How can I express everything that´s on my mind right now
if the only thing I can see is your smile?
We are so far away now
But the stars keep us close tonight

You color my deepest blue skies
and light the darkest hours
Please don´t be apart… please take me back in your arms.
I can´t find no other one that make me fly so high so nice.

Milles away and you took my breath away
you stole my heart… you take me somewhere I belong
And I know im not alone…
not any more :}
I can feel you by my side
And I wanna hug you tight.

If I could only be with you right now, my heart is beating so fast.
I love the idea of you and me. Those words never sound so perfect for me until now.
YOU and ME.
There is something in those eyes, so many things I can´t figure out. And even if it take me forever to understand what´s on your mind I will never regret been with you and having you in the deepest side of my heart.
Every single night I dream with that smile and I can take it out of my mind, I know I have mention it already but, what can I do if that´s my reason for wake up and start?

For once in my life my eyes are dry and there´s no pain around. I am happy and I love where im standing.
I love how he can take me out of my shelter (if I can put it that way) he make me feel good about myself. He give hope and I trust him with all I have.
And I can´t believe where we are… Finally after all those nights wishing for him to just looked and stared at me.

&&
I´m not scared of what I feel now, and I don´t care the whole world finding out how much I love him and how hard im falling for him.

Oh my God he is such a wonderful boy in such a beautiful way.

I couldn't sleep last night.
It's almost 10:00 am and im awake since yesterday.. my bed was so uncomfortable and the sounds of the night scared me as hell.
So as usual I start thinking and wondering and dreaming.

6:00 I opened the window to see the sunrise and once again get delight by the daylight. I am fulfilled for the very first time in this year.
Not because of what i lost or what i gained.. it's more for who I became.
I have faith by now even tho things are an effin mess. Im not alone this time and im sure im not going to be alone ever again. He is the perfect company.

Next year terrify me, oh just thinking on people reaction and how they are gonna be trying to ruin everything I built and everything I fight for.
But I don't want him to leave me.. He wont.

Life is to short for those kinda worries

In his eyes

I smile.I stare. I am holding his hand and my legs are wrapped with his. My eyes are inches away. Inches. From tender small in the darkness. They cannot be dimmed even in the darkness they cannot be dimmed.I stare and I smile and I speak.
I love you.
He smiles. With his lips, his teeth, his eyes, his shaking head.He smiles and I say it again.
I love you
I say it again.
I love you.
I say it again.
I love you.
And I do, I love him. This boy who said hello to me as I was next to his childhood friend, this boy who gave me peanut and butter bread everytime had, this boy who was my friend, this boy with tender and small eyes that see through me and understand me. With nothing but open arms ready to receive me. To stand by me. To walk with me. To love me. I love him.
He smiles, he leans forward kisses my lips softly kisses me and as our lips touch barely touch he wispers.
I love you too.
Our lips barely touching I whisper.
I love you.
We stare into each other eyes and softly kiss speaking and saying more with movement of our lips and the tips of our fingers that words will allow us to say. Words can't say this. The one word love means too little for what it is. It means everything and that is still not enough.It doesn't communicate even a fraction of the feelings involved.

I don't want to leave. I could lie here. I don't want to leave.
I know by the way he holds me tighter with each moment a little tighter that he does not want to leave. We have no choise. We have to go back.
I pull away and I tell him we have to leave and he says he knows and we kiss one last time slow and deep the clock is ticking. We untangle each other form ourselves and it takes a second and a century and we stand. I hold his hand in my hand i look into his eyes and stare. I don't see what I saw when I stared the first time we spoke. In his eyes there is what I have sought and never found, wanted and never had, hoped for and never discovered. Love. I step back and I step away. Our eyes are still locked, our hands still touching. I take another step. Our fingers touch, one finger from each other of our hands. I smile again..

The F U R Y.

I've always felt these things. I don't think there are any words that describe them exactly, but hey are a combination of rage, anger, extreme pain. They mix together into what I call the Fury. I have know the Fury for as long as I can remember. It is the one thing that has been with me throughout my entire life. I am starting to learn how to deal with it, but until recently, the only way i knew was trhough acting rude agaist the ones i love.
The problem was that it would always come back, usually stronger, and that would require more and stronger fights to kill it, and that was the goal, to kill it.

I dont't know why, and I don't know if it matters, but whenever you are near me the Fury gets worse. I'm not saying you are the blame for it, because i don't think you are to blame. I know you did the best you could with me and I know I'm lucky to have you, and I can't think of anything in my background that would hava caused it.

Maybe the Fury is genetic, but I highly fucking doubt it, and i wont accept diseas and genetics as the cuase of it anyway. It makes it too easy to defletct the responsability for what i have done and what I have done knowing full well I was doing it.

How do I get better? I take responsability for myself and I learn to deal with myself and I learn to control the Fury, It might take a while, but if i hold on long enough and I don't accept exuces for failure or deflect what is essentially a problem I have caused, I can do it.

cause you are going to leave me at the end

It's hard to believe i finally found you. After serching and serching you came up to me right in the NOT so perfect time.
Even tho i thank God for giving me the chance to know you, i still believe we are togheter in the wrong time.
I have lost myself a million and one times and some of those times.. i didn't found me again.
And i can not lie to you.. im scared of losing myself.
I'm scared because this feelings are beyond what i ever imagine. Im flying so high but as higher i fly then falling will hurt more. I don't want a broken heart again.

I know i have the potencial for hurting you, i know so and i hate it.
I lose my brains regulary and im unstable. I live in a fantasy world and im always in a surreal place with my toughts. I don't know what's wrong with my but im someone hard to be with.
Im not the regular girl and that SUCKS.

I don't know how much is going to take you but im sure someday you will found out how different i am and then you wil have to decide if you want to stay in a crazy mad world with me or if you most run away. Runing aways seems easy, everyone does it. I dont worth your time nor you heart.

I can hear you already, complaining on how emo this is or how stupid i am for thinking this way.
But the truth is that i know myself better than I tought.
And my life is like rollercoaster everything goes from good to bad over over and over again.. unfortunately for some reason this rollercoaster loves to be down.

And as hard as I try i know i can't change this is the way I am..
Im standing to day infront of you and i can tell IM IN LOVE already.
Im in love with you, your shining personality, your humor, you elecuence, your face, your hands, your way, you and you!. Im lost in love, im completly and absolutely in love with you.

(...) you killed me today.
With does words.. so at the end your goingto leave me it doesn't matter in wich way you are gone, no today but you will sooner or later. GONE. Just like another shoting star in my dark sky.
No more light no more joy.. just fucking gone.

The man that lost his heart

Las sonrisas siempre fueron opacadas por rostros de indiferencias..

NO se como fue que este hombre empezo a peder la alegria en su vida, fue talvez su pasado.. su presente? la idea de su futuro?. Fuera como fuera habia perdido todo rastro de alegria.
Quien no es feliz no puede brindar calor, que corazon mas frio el que el tenia que pensamientos mas helidos.
Como pretendia amar sino habia nada mas que oscuridad dentro y fuera de el.

Debo admitir que aveces sentia miedo, miedo de que ese corazon nunca se derritiera y que mis manos no soportarian el frio de soster tal cubo de hielo.
Siempre quise encontrar la manera de cambiarlo, talvez no cmabiarlo solo hacerle ver el danio que el mismo se hacia mientras los dias pasaban.

Cada dia se llenaba mas de odio.. cada dia me alejaba mas de el. Me empujaba a salir de su vida me invitaba a dejarlo solo, solo con su caracter y amargura.
No pude mas y tube que dejar que siguiera solo su camino, un camino de indiferencia ah todo lo existente e imaginable.

Oh que desperdicio de hombre, tan inteligente, guapo con un enorme potencial...
Que te sucede hombre pequenio.. que te cambio? que te provoco tanto dolor?
Quisiera tener la cura para tu dolor.. ser quien te levante de esos lugares tan oscuros donde has caido. Poder ayudarte y ser una luz en todo lo lugubre que ahorita vives.

No puedo, no puedo guiarte sino me dejas. Sere esa estrella si tu lo deseas.
Estare siempre brillando en tu pavimento jamas dejare que te pieradas, aun si debo robar mas brillo de la luna,, sere quien alumbre tus profundas tristezas.
Desde lejos podre ayudarte pues mi brillo de cerca puede segarte.

Usaramos la distancia para comunicarnos. Seguiere aqui... Siempre.

And know I'm all yours

I woke up today with a huge smile in face even tho i was sure it wasn't going to be the best of days.
I took a deep breath and open the window.. it's a windy and cold day. Perfect for me.
Im a mess i confess to be honest there are a bunch of "issues" im carring lately.. but is ok I'm standing here today and im fine, no matter what.
I guess sometimes we need a little bit of lonelyness to find out how much we need those who rock our world :)


Im not sure how much this happiness is going to last in my life, cause it seems like happiness is not a long term for me.But im gonna take the best out of this situation.
The fact is that I found someone who can paint a blue sky for me.. no matter how gray the day is.
And it's not only a boy who is getting really into me. . it's a real friend. And I do not want to lose him. He's becoming the air I breath and every step i take. He's becoming more than i expected him to become.. and i like it.

Oh how lucky I am, for finding someone like him.
Someone who loves me for who I am and not for who I was. I made many mistakes in the past but he takes it all for me, in a nice and tender way.
And im afraid.. I might not be what he expects and that scares the shit out of me. But this make me wanna give my best and be THE BEST for him.

And yes, we like to wach the moon. It's our thing.
Why is this so important to me? Well I have spend 4 years watching the moon asking for some many dreams and waiting for them to come true.. none of them came true until now.. that im finally finding a balance in my life, and it doesn't matter how many people are gonna hate me for my decisions or how many people im losing I rather been happy than living my life for someone else.

And now finding out that there's someone else watching the moon milles away from me makes me tremble. Please continue making me feeling this way.
It doesn' matter what's to come lets continue.. We will work it out I promise.
Nothing is gonna stop me for loving you, and nothing is gonna tear me apart.. nothing but the day you don't want me by your side.
This type of thoughts are the ones who gave me hings that make my spine go cold and give me the gooseflesh...



"Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives , like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course . When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours "