Ataque No. 2

No es nada facil tratar de explicar lo que se siente, lo que se pierde y lo mucho que duele.
Podria decirse que la "ansiedad" no ciertamente diagnosticada es peor que la tratada clinicamente.
Pero ahora creo que un nuevo visitante se ha instalado en mi cuerpo y temo que desea quedarse, si, la ira no es bienvenidad y no se da cuenta.

Por algun motivo escribir en este blog me hace relajarme y descargar todo lo que hace que mi cuerpo no pare de temblar, sin embargo se que nadie lee esto incluso se que no tiene sentido escribir para extranios que talvez, de casualidad se encuentran leyendo esto.
Pero puedo asi sacar todo esto sin herir a nadie y sin que nadie que me conosca puedo intrometerse en mi vida y en mis sentimientos.
Es mas facil relatar tu vida a un perfecto desconocido, este no puede jusgarte y si lo hace, no duele.
No te conoce ni quiere hacerlo.

Acabo de colgarle el telefono a mi novio ya que no me sentia comoda tratando de explicarle la reciente discusion familiar, pero aca estoy escribiendo todo como si alguien estubiera prestandome atencion.

Lamentablemente no tengo el valor de hablar estas cosas con mis padres, ni con nadie (llamanme debil, se que lo soy).
Es triste sentirme tan sola en estos momentos, porque se que no lo estoy.
Pero es como si mi cerebro quisiera convencer a mi corazon de lo primero.

ican'ttakeit.

when those arms are around me.

What a wonderful feeling.

It's unbeliable how can those arms turn a grey and bored day into a clear sky and a funny afternoon.
Sometimes we act hostil against each other.
Sometimes we act like fools.
Sometimes we do funny faces.
Sometimes we laugh until our stomachs hurt.
Sometimes we cry until the last tear is on the ground.
Sometimes we belive.
Sometimes we lose the hope.
Sometimes we don't need to talk.
Sometimes a whole day is not enough for our conversations.
Sometimes, but i hate those sometimes, i forget how much i need him.
& sometimes just a smile remind me how the stars shine brighter when he is by my side. <3

demasiado?

Si, en estos momentos me parece que todo es demasiado.
"La pandemia", la violencia, la contaminacion, las injusticias,las manifestaciones, las negaciones, las frustraciones. TODO.
Y no es que esto me este afectando de una manera directa, pero estar viviendo rodeada de tantos problemas es estresante y frustrante.
Aunque algunas personas se sientan ofendidas al ver como una ninia de 17 anios sufre de estres y de ansiedad, otras se dan cuenta que es imposible no sentirse asi al estar dentro de tantas dificultadas (sin tomar en cuenta la adolescencia y los problemas sicologicos que sufre cualquiera al tratar de soportar la secundaria).

Y donde quedo la concienca ambientalista?
Ah es tan triste ver como muchos de los jovenes que forman parte de mi vida cotidiana, usan la corriente hippie como una "trend" una moda y nada mas.
No tienen ni idea de lo revolucionario que fue este movimiento, que va mas alla del signo de paz y amor, mas de la ropa. Por dios, es un sentimiento!.

Oh, no podemos olvidar a las personas que se hacen llamar "vegetarianas" y sin embargo ver a un perro callejero no los conmueve ni un poco, es mas apuesto que no se atreverian a ponerle un dedo ensima.

Puede ser que esta nota sea una manera de expresar lo harta que estoy de las apariencias, oh puede ser el deseo de ver a personas reales, no solo espejos de lo que hay en la television.

ughh.

it's the first time im not wearing pj's at 8 o'clock

yeah :D
the thing is that my cousin is living here so i must look like a normal person.
ugh is boring tho.

So today i went to dentist, again. And im still fucked up!
On june 17th im going to have my first surgery, and yea im scared.

Oh i cut my hair! yes yes and it looks fantastic.
tss.

I miss mike like hell.

and im bored yes yes.



I just love how a conversation can take some "missed" feelings back.
And how that can change our mind in no more than 5 seconds.
Oh and ofcourse how, those feelings can make you feel like the worst crap alive.

vacations

aah what an amazing word!
and it's called vacations! :D yes yes im finally going to be able to rest a few weeks.
Ok so what it's going on here:

My cousin dominique came from tennesse and she is going to be here for about 6 weeks (yes a month).
She is taking spanish and history classes at antigua and she comes only the weekends, but still we have time to hang ut and stuff.

Im top studen of my class this unit (no, im not braging).
Im probably going to learn a mayan lenguage this vacations plus an extra math job to get my grade into a 100.

Ballet is going to keep me bussy i have to take double class in order to get the time i lost when i was hurt.

half of my friends are grounded because of them awesome greats so i might going to spend it with my family and my boyfriend (not bad at all).

uhm im reading this book that i already read in spanish and it's called the sister hood of the traviling pants (pretty good tho).

Im going to the dentist tomorrow , and that scares me so effin much.
Dying my hair this week and probably geting my nails done.
Going to buy new glasses.

ok so in a resume, trying to SURVIVE THIS VACATIONS.

back to the begining.

han pasado aproximadamente 3 anios desde ese dia, desde ese periodo de mi vida.
La calma por fin habia tomado las riendas, nada iba mal.
Nunca pense que regresaria.. que ese monstruo que consumia mis noches y me atacaba por las tardes, estaria una vez en mi vida.
Que todas esas noches desperdiciadas volerian.

Estaba segura que los ataques nunca se irian, me lo dijero. Esto seria parte de mi por siempre sin poder evitarlo, cambiarlo o calmarlo.
Simplemente tenia que aprender a vivir (a luchar) contra ello.

Mi vida ha sido practicamente normal, rodeada de amor familiar y de amigos que ciertamente valen la pena.
Nunca he tenido una experiencia choqueante ni he sufrido ninguna clase de accidente.
Podria decirse que mi vida es simple y sencilla como la de cualquier otro adolecente de 17 anios.
Es por eso que encontrar el porque nunca ha sido facil.

...

La primera vez que entre a ese salon, oscuro y con olor a (bueno no encuentro las palabras) con olor a doctor (si asi puede llamarsele) , olor a miedos, decepciones, preocupaciones, anguastias, etc.
simplemente con olor a esa persona que se supone "curara" todo esto.
No, yo no queria hablar me reusaba y me limitaba a contestar algunas preguntas. Siempre con la mirada perdida, viendo como aveces cai la lluvia sobre los intentos de arbol que crecian alrededor de la "oficina."
...

Es triste saber que ha vuelto, esta de vuela y parece ser que no se ira nunca.
Es como esas visitas inesperadas e indeseadas.
No se como paso ni cuanto tiempo podre soportarlo.

Este martes a las 5:00 pm estare de vuelta en ese lugar.
Y una vez mas sere analizada hasta poder, encontrar una solucion.

oh yeah, i find her :)

and she make me realize that friendship exist :)

seventeen.

17 years ago a beautiful girl was born, with golden hair and big brown eyes, JUST KIDDING.
but yeah, one june 5th i was born. In a cold and rainy midnight.. (1992).
since i born i have ever felt the changes of turning a year older, i guess today is the exception.
I woke up feeling older and i realize how much i have change!, maybe i still have the same expresion and my face looks almost the same.
But my life and the people that surrounds me it's not the same of 5 or 10 years ago.
I still have the free spirt and the big smile in my face but my thoughts, oh man thore are so different.
It's amazing but when i was thinking about this i notice how my boyfriend is still here. I met him when i was 14 and now im turning 17.

It's unbelievable how people change. I HAVE.

i like who i am today and i don't regret any of the decisions that i make cause those decisions take me where im today.
And if life goes all i want from this life is to keep with those CHANGES that make a better human being.

ugh glasses

i hate it.

bored+no life= resume.

so, i feel the necesity of write what have being going on in my life this week.
I don't even know why, if there's a 90% of probablities that no one is going to read it.

Anyway, here is a resume:

About health:
God, last saturday i went to the dentist and im extremelly fucked up! i need like 4 surgeries
and all of them are stupidly painful indeed.
Also my sight it's so damage, yes i was suposed to wear glasses since i was 13 years old but no, i didn't use them. why? Cause i used to care way to much what other people said about me.
In the other hand my feet are getting worse, because of my passion (ballet).

About love:
As happy as i can be! yes sir my relationship seems to get better with all the day that passes by.
I love him & he love me as well.
We do fight, is normal right?.

About family:
We are playing a fucking bittersweet symphony.

About school:
:) im proud of myself.

About FRIENDS:
oh wow, i think this is the aspect wich i was waiting to write about.
i finally found what i was looking for this years, FRIENDS girl friends.
I met this girls at school, and they just rock the hell of my life! they are awesome and i know they are the kind of friends that, prevale.
I love them, yes i do.

I also find what is closest to a best friend, and she is way to cool.
I know we don't know each other since we were kids but is enough for me to know that she underestands me and she is always there when i need her.
She is one of the few persons that make me feel comfortable.
Im not sure if she feels the same way, but honestly i don't care, i belive what matters it that we trust in each other.
Im not used to love people (even tho that sounds tough), she is so easy to love.
maybe is her awesome personality or the way our thoughts matches perfectly.
I thank God, for give me the oportunity to find her :)

About stetic:
finally, I let my hair grow long.
im trying to NOT were makeup.

About life:
I LOVE HOW EVERYTHING IS GOING ON.