Aveces las heridas no sanan si seguimos desatando las suturas..

Este ha sido un anio muy confuso, pase de estar en lo mas alto a lo mas bajo y luego de nuevo mas alto de lo que estube jamas.. Todo en cuestion de meses.
Mis sentimientos y mis puntos de vista dieron giros inigualables y estoy feliz como y donde estoy.
Las decisiones que he tomado fueron (y se que aun son) criticadas y muchas personas aun dudan del porque de mis actos y reacciones, sin embargo se que he tomado el camino correcto.

Estube rota por tanto tiempo, me sentia incompleta. No puedo decir que solo tube momentos horribles, no no. Fui feliz y tube todo lo que pedi y di todo lo que pude dar, pero es el hecho de que aveces, ciertas cosas simplemente no estan hechas para ser asi. Es entonces cuando debemos seguir adelante y dejar atras (mas no en el olvido) el pasado.
Pero, que puedo decir? El simplemente llego en el momento justo.. Se que siempre estubo ahi pero cai en sus brazos en el momento indicado.
Puede que haya cometido errores, que me haya equivocado un sinfin de veces en un corto lapso de tiempo, pero no me arrepiento y tomaria las mismas decisiones una y otra vez. Claro que si, fueron estas las que me llevaron a el.

He aprendido a levantarme, ha ser fuerte. y se que he crecido.
Que todo lo que un dia no tenia sentido, hoy, empieza a caer en el lugar justo y empieza a tener logica.. al menos para mi, por ahora.
No mentire, tenia miedo. Miedo a que todo fuera un juego, otra mentira u otra equivocacion. Que al final todo terminaria en nada y el se iria, que una vez mas estaria sola sola sola..
Pero el me demostro que nada es igual, que todo cambia y que quedarse estancada o undirse en una depresion no sirve de nada, el logro sacarme de ese agujero. Me demostro que es posible volar sin alas, incluso sin elevarse del suelo.
Cada dia que paso siento que me pierdo mas en sus ojos, quiero llevarlo lejos, que estemos lejos de todos y todo. Es esa alegria matutina, esa que dura todo el dia y se queda hasta la noche. Es poder despertar con la misma sonrisa del dia anterior.. Es una felicidad acertiva y correcta.
Es esa calma en mi vida, la paciencia que me falta, la energia que me sobra. El calor cuando hace frio.

Y esas dos palabras que dijo hoy, son el motivo de mi sonrisa. El es todo T O D O.

I wish I could do something with this reckless thoughts but I can't. I really try to found a reason why I should stop with this, but it seems like my mind tricks are stronger than the words he says..
Okey, I have to list the priorities of what im dealing with:
The search of true love and how fast I found it.
The fact of being a completely asshole and stop with the irracional ideas that cross my mind.
Try to NOT compare my present with my past plus forget the mistakes i commited once.
Turn negative into posstive as fast as I can, rember someday will be TOO LATE.
TRUST a big and huge bowl of trust.. self-esteem (y) I need a bit more of that.

Oh, and I have to always,TOUJOURS!..
THERE IS TRUTH IN HIS EYES
THERE IS TRUTH IN HIS EYES
THERE IS TRUTH IN HIS EYES

mon dix

The lights are on and they shine over me
all I want is you to stay close to me
Sun rises and the moon hides
We are together as the days passes by

How can I express everything that´s on my mind right now
if the only thing I can see is your smile?
We are so far away now
But the stars keep us close tonight

You color my deepest blue skies
and light the darkest hours
Please don´t be apart… please take me back in your arms.
I can´t find no other one that make me fly so high so nice.

Milles away and you took my breath away
you stole my heart… you take me somewhere I belong
And I know im not alone…
not any more :}
I can feel you by my side
And I wanna hug you tight.

If I could only be with you right now, my heart is beating so fast.
I love the idea of you and me. Those words never sound so perfect for me until now.
YOU and ME.
There is something in those eyes, so many things I can´t figure out. And even if it take me forever to understand what´s on your mind I will never regret been with you and having you in the deepest side of my heart.
Every single night I dream with that smile and I can take it out of my mind, I know I have mention it already but, what can I do if that´s my reason for wake up and start?

For once in my life my eyes are dry and there´s no pain around. I am happy and I love where im standing.
I love how he can take me out of my shelter (if I can put it that way) he make me feel good about myself. He give hope and I trust him with all I have.
And I can´t believe where we are… Finally after all those nights wishing for him to just looked and stared at me.

&&
I´m not scared of what I feel now, and I don´t care the whole world finding out how much I love him and how hard im falling for him.

Oh my God he is such a wonderful boy in such a beautiful way.

I couldn't sleep last night.
It's almost 10:00 am and im awake since yesterday.. my bed was so uncomfortable and the sounds of the night scared me as hell.
So as usual I start thinking and wondering and dreaming.

6:00 I opened the window to see the sunrise and once again get delight by the daylight. I am fulfilled for the very first time in this year.
Not because of what i lost or what i gained.. it's more for who I became.
I have faith by now even tho things are an effin mess. Im not alone this time and im sure im not going to be alone ever again. He is the perfect company.

Next year terrify me, oh just thinking on people reaction and how they are gonna be trying to ruin everything I built and everything I fight for.
But I don't want him to leave me.. He wont.

Life is to short for those kinda worries

In his eyes

I smile.I stare. I am holding his hand and my legs are wrapped with his. My eyes are inches away. Inches. From tender small in the darkness. They cannot be dimmed even in the darkness they cannot be dimmed.I stare and I smile and I speak.
I love you.
He smiles. With his lips, his teeth, his eyes, his shaking head.He smiles and I say it again.
I love you
I say it again.
I love you.
I say it again.
I love you.
And I do, I love him. This boy who said hello to me as I was next to his childhood friend, this boy who gave me peanut and butter bread everytime had, this boy who was my friend, this boy with tender and small eyes that see through me and understand me. With nothing but open arms ready to receive me. To stand by me. To walk with me. To love me. I love him.
He smiles, he leans forward kisses my lips softly kisses me and as our lips touch barely touch he wispers.
I love you too.
Our lips barely touching I whisper.
I love you.
We stare into each other eyes and softly kiss speaking and saying more with movement of our lips and the tips of our fingers that words will allow us to say. Words can't say this. The one word love means too little for what it is. It means everything and that is still not enough.It doesn't communicate even a fraction of the feelings involved.

I don't want to leave. I could lie here. I don't want to leave.
I know by the way he holds me tighter with each moment a little tighter that he does not want to leave. We have no choise. We have to go back.
I pull away and I tell him we have to leave and he says he knows and we kiss one last time slow and deep the clock is ticking. We untangle each other form ourselves and it takes a second and a century and we stand. I hold his hand in my hand i look into his eyes and stare. I don't see what I saw when I stared the first time we spoke. In his eyes there is what I have sought and never found, wanted and never had, hoped for and never discovered. Love. I step back and I step away. Our eyes are still locked, our hands still touching. I take another step. Our fingers touch, one finger from each other of our hands. I smile again..

The F U R Y.

I've always felt these things. I don't think there are any words that describe them exactly, but hey are a combination of rage, anger, extreme pain. They mix together into what I call the Fury. I have know the Fury for as long as I can remember. It is the one thing that has been with me throughout my entire life. I am starting to learn how to deal with it, but until recently, the only way i knew was trhough acting rude agaist the ones i love.
The problem was that it would always come back, usually stronger, and that would require more and stronger fights to kill it, and that was the goal, to kill it.

I dont't know why, and I don't know if it matters, but whenever you are near me the Fury gets worse. I'm not saying you are the blame for it, because i don't think you are to blame. I know you did the best you could with me and I know I'm lucky to have you, and I can't think of anything in my background that would hava caused it.

Maybe the Fury is genetic, but I highly fucking doubt it, and i wont accept diseas and genetics as the cuase of it anyway. It makes it too easy to defletct the responsability for what i have done and what I have done knowing full well I was doing it.

How do I get better? I take responsability for myself and I learn to deal with myself and I learn to control the Fury, It might take a while, but if i hold on long enough and I don't accept exuces for failure or deflect what is essentially a problem I have caused, I can do it.

cause you are going to leave me at the end

It's hard to believe i finally found you. After serching and serching you came up to me right in the NOT so perfect time.
Even tho i thank God for giving me the chance to know you, i still believe we are togheter in the wrong time.
I have lost myself a million and one times and some of those times.. i didn't found me again.
And i can not lie to you.. im scared of losing myself.
I'm scared because this feelings are beyond what i ever imagine. Im flying so high but as higher i fly then falling will hurt more. I don't want a broken heart again.

I know i have the potencial for hurting you, i know so and i hate it.
I lose my brains regulary and im unstable. I live in a fantasy world and im always in a surreal place with my toughts. I don't know what's wrong with my but im someone hard to be with.
Im not the regular girl and that SUCKS.

I don't know how much is going to take you but im sure someday you will found out how different i am and then you wil have to decide if you want to stay in a crazy mad world with me or if you most run away. Runing aways seems easy, everyone does it. I dont worth your time nor you heart.

I can hear you already, complaining on how emo this is or how stupid i am for thinking this way.
But the truth is that i know myself better than I tought.
And my life is like rollercoaster everything goes from good to bad over over and over again.. unfortunately for some reason this rollercoaster loves to be down.

And as hard as I try i know i can't change this is the way I am..
Im standing to day infront of you and i can tell IM IN LOVE already.
Im in love with you, your shining personality, your humor, you elecuence, your face, your hands, your way, you and you!. Im lost in love, im completly and absolutely in love with you.

(...) you killed me today.
With does words.. so at the end your goingto leave me it doesn't matter in wich way you are gone, no today but you will sooner or later. GONE. Just like another shoting star in my dark sky.
No more light no more joy.. just fucking gone.

The man that lost his heart

Las sonrisas siempre fueron opacadas por rostros de indiferencias..

NO se como fue que este hombre empezo a peder la alegria en su vida, fue talvez su pasado.. su presente? la idea de su futuro?. Fuera como fuera habia perdido todo rastro de alegria.
Quien no es feliz no puede brindar calor, que corazon mas frio el que el tenia que pensamientos mas helidos.
Como pretendia amar sino habia nada mas que oscuridad dentro y fuera de el.

Debo admitir que aveces sentia miedo, miedo de que ese corazon nunca se derritiera y que mis manos no soportarian el frio de soster tal cubo de hielo.
Siempre quise encontrar la manera de cambiarlo, talvez no cmabiarlo solo hacerle ver el danio que el mismo se hacia mientras los dias pasaban.

Cada dia se llenaba mas de odio.. cada dia me alejaba mas de el. Me empujaba a salir de su vida me invitaba a dejarlo solo, solo con su caracter y amargura.
No pude mas y tube que dejar que siguiera solo su camino, un camino de indiferencia ah todo lo existente e imaginable.

Oh que desperdicio de hombre, tan inteligente, guapo con un enorme potencial...
Que te sucede hombre pequenio.. que te cambio? que te provoco tanto dolor?
Quisiera tener la cura para tu dolor.. ser quien te levante de esos lugares tan oscuros donde has caido. Poder ayudarte y ser una luz en todo lo lugubre que ahorita vives.

No puedo, no puedo guiarte sino me dejas. Sere esa estrella si tu lo deseas.
Estare siempre brillando en tu pavimento jamas dejare que te pieradas, aun si debo robar mas brillo de la luna,, sere quien alumbre tus profundas tristezas.
Desde lejos podre ayudarte pues mi brillo de cerca puede segarte.

Usaramos la distancia para comunicarnos. Seguiere aqui... Siempre.

And know I'm all yours

I woke up today with a huge smile in face even tho i was sure it wasn't going to be the best of days.
I took a deep breath and open the window.. it's a windy and cold day. Perfect for me.
Im a mess i confess to be honest there are a bunch of "issues" im carring lately.. but is ok I'm standing here today and im fine, no matter what.
I guess sometimes we need a little bit of lonelyness to find out how much we need those who rock our world :)


Im not sure how much this happiness is going to last in my life, cause it seems like happiness is not a long term for me.But im gonna take the best out of this situation.
The fact is that I found someone who can paint a blue sky for me.. no matter how gray the day is.
And it's not only a boy who is getting really into me. . it's a real friend. And I do not want to lose him. He's becoming the air I breath and every step i take. He's becoming more than i expected him to become.. and i like it.

Oh how lucky I am, for finding someone like him.
Someone who loves me for who I am and not for who I was. I made many mistakes in the past but he takes it all for me, in a nice and tender way.
And im afraid.. I might not be what he expects and that scares the shit out of me. But this make me wanna give my best and be THE BEST for him.

And yes, we like to wach the moon. It's our thing.
Why is this so important to me? Well I have spend 4 years watching the moon asking for some many dreams and waiting for them to come true.. none of them came true until now.. that im finally finding a balance in my life, and it doesn't matter how many people are gonna hate me for my decisions or how many people im losing I rather been happy than living my life for someone else.

And now finding out that there's someone else watching the moon milles away from me makes me tremble. Please continue making me feeling this way.
It doesn' matter what's to come lets continue.. We will work it out I promise.
Nothing is gonna stop me for loving you, and nothing is gonna tear me apart.. nothing but the day you don't want me by your side.
This type of thoughts are the ones who gave me hings that make my spine go cold and give me the gooseflesh...



"Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives , like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course . When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours "

Oh my God he is such a wonderful boy in such a beautiful way.

I couldn't sleep last night.
It's almost 10:00 am and im awake since yesterday.. my bed was so uncomfortable and the sounds of the night scared me as hell.
So as usual I start thinking and wondering and dreaming.

6:00am I opened the window to see the sunrise and once again get delight by the daylight. I am fulfilled for the very first time in this year.
Not because of what i lost of what i gained.. it's more for who I became.
I have faith by now even tho things are an effin mess. Im not alone this time and im sure im not going to be alone ever again. He is the perfect company.

Next year terrify me, oh just thinking on people reaction and how they are gonna be trying to ruin everything I built and everything I fight for.
But I don't want him to leave me..
I don't want him to realize how hard this is gonaa be. I want him to stay by my side no matter what.

I don't know how this become so strong in such a short time.. I don't care, all I want is him.
I want him to be mine.. MINE. And even tho I sound obssesed and weird, it's what I trully want.
There are no other eyes that make me feel this way.

I woke up this morning because of a stupid phone call.. and i wasn't able to fall asleep again.
For some reason i was feeling anxious and wierd, tho it wasn't a bad kind of feeling.
The truth is that i was waitng HIM to texted me or i don't know i was just simply waiting him to appear.
So, sleeping was not an option i spend 3 or 4 hours thinking about the same over and over again.
And there was no way i could erase that stupid smile of my face.
It's maybe because for the first time, im sure of what i want and how i want it to happen.
Im in love. And im in love with that SMILE God, if there was a way i could explain how i feel about that smile.. and those eyes.. those tender, sweet, and small eyes.

I've never felt it warm before, I mean, my heart. But he has somehow taken a very special place there.

He's now all sense that remains among this insanity (This scares the shit out of me).

I saw light coming through my window, daylight.
It was 9 in the morning and I was staring at my ceiling wondering, thinking.
Thinking about him, thinking it all over and over-thinking it all. Thinking and feeling better…

I can't help the thought that someday thinking this much will kill me.

what an emo

I know you hate me right now, and i now there's no fucking way that you can forgive me for what i did.
You wish for me nothing but death and i now there is in fact a lot i can do.

You are burning my letters, those that i did write from the bottom of my heart.
You were the light upon the darkest nights.
I know you hate me I KNOW YOU FUCKING HATE ME you hate me you hate you hate me you hate me.
And im never going to be happy again NEVER.. and i know that put a big smile on your face.
I honestly have the idea of killing myself and im not afraid of doing it.. that's gonna make everything easier right? sure it is.
I don't want this to sound as a sucide note, and im not sure if it is or not.

Im sorry for letting my heart to fall for someone else, im sorry for not being enough.. and i CAN'T live in what i did to you and all the hell i put you truh.
Im sorry if i say NOTHING when you call me but i can't, there is nothing left to say. I neve wish things to end up this way and i never tought about hurting you the way i did.. and i regret that fucking minute and im always going to hate this day and im never going to be able to stand up and walk couse for now and on im dead.
Im the worst shit in this shitty world im the worst whore in the entire world. im nothing nothing nothing.
Im the bitchest bitch and i deserve pain and suffering and all the damn bad things.

Hell is waiting for me and im ready to burn, burn as my letters. Im standing in front of all the bad things i have done in my life and i can say this was the worst.. not for me being sad, just for you being mad and depressed and angry and stuff.
I can understand the whole world hating me, i can understand you wishing me the worst..


It's not his fault, don't blame him.. he just gave what i was needing in that time.
It's my fault for not being strong and for letting myself go.

I HATE MY SELF I FUCKING HATE ME! im the worst human alive!, i hate god for making me born i hate him for letting me exist. And i hate you for being such an amazing person in my life and i hate this tears that i can't drop and i hate the words that i can tell and i hate i hate i hate.

If i could make time just go back!,.. if i could only make you smile.. But for so long i couldn't feel you where always so far away.
I now you hit me and i now you hurt me as well and you totally stoled my heart and it's still with you i guess that's why i can't feel it beating.
I wanna love you the way i did i want you to love me the way you did i want us to be happy and dance in the roof.
I want your eyes to look at me the same again, I want my eyes to shine for you again.
I want your self to be the same.
I want to wake up everysingle moment waiting to see you and hug you and be happy. But we lost that so long ago.


I honestly want you to kill me with your own hands.. I have never felt this way before.

but i wanna thank you.. for everything. For chanching me and for make me the happiest girl alive in 2 years. For being by my side all this time.. thank you for trying and thank you for your existance. Thanks for catch me everytime i fall thanks for letting me know waht love is at the end.
Thanks for share all your troubles with me and sorry for not fix them.
Thanks for your smile and sorry for your tears
Thanks for being you.

As usual, it didnt take me a lot of time to fucked everything.
I hurt them and i feel empty as hell.
Im not strong enough to go on i just wanna let myself dye. I dont deserve been here. Im the worst thing alive.
I lost the only thing that matters in my life. And i know i jus have to wait until gets in it place.
But im not pleaced with the way destiny works sometimes. Im not pacient at all.
I can not lie to myself. Im falling for him.. and i dont regret that.

Im terrible at speaking and i cant tell him how much i trully love him and how sorry i am. He stoled my heart so effin fast its unbeliveable. I can feel inside my veins I LOVE HIM.
I can see myself dying because of this love.
I know we can not be together and thats killing m, he gave me the most amazing day in my life.
I felt (and im still feeling) those annoying butterflies in my stomach.
He colored my life and treated my like a princess he was beyond a prince charming.
Im falling in love and im scared.

I want, need,wish you to move on.
I hope there was a way i could take you out of this pain.. and i now how to but it's not what i have to do.
You have to stand up by yourself this time, I got to go my own way.
It's hard and it hurts but there's nothing we can do.
I know you ask your self how the heal did i forgot everything so fast but the truth is that i have being feeling this way since a long time ago.. and you should know why. All the problems that sourround us for that time are finally taking advantage of me.

But I can't spend my life trying to make this work, if I have already lost the faith on us. Ican not live with you behind me like a ghost.. cuase you always liked to chased all the ghosts that hunted me.
And i know you rahter be sad than hating me but i will liked you better to hate me instead of being so depressed.
You came up with the idea of give each other another try, but it seems to late for say ONCE again. There is no more heart to be broken and there is no more field for another war.

I feel like im growing up so fast and you are still standing up waiting for something to wake you up.. im chanching and my priorites have change. I need you to understand that.
I can't wait for you again i have to walk fast and determined, and im not sure about you walking by my side. And i hate that idea.


You most let go, you most let ME go if you want me to be happy. Because im going to let you go.. like that red ballon we saw once and you should do the same so maybe someday in another time we will get together as two ballons holding each other in order to not LET GO.

Im sorry for being in totally differente page and im sorry for not being enough. Im sorry for not let my heart beat at the same rythim as yours. IM SORRY and i always be.

We were so closed once, we could even touch perfection but we let it scape and we did nothing to make it come back.
We gave each other so many oportunities but none of them worked out.
We did try, oh sure we did. But one of us did MORE and you know who.

Please!, try to recovered your self please give your self an oportunity of being happy.
And even tho someday (and i hope it come soon) you will realize how amazing you are and how im nothing compared to you. Then you will be happy for letting me go..
And you will find some one who can complemente your colors in the way i never could.
Someone who can change your bad atittudes and someone who can be what you need.

You have to forget about me.. "you can't miss what you forget". I now you can, there's nothing you can't do.

And of course i will always remember you as my FIRST LOVE.. you gave me the most amaizng 2 years of this 17, you change my way and i thank that. You return the inocense to me.
Im never going to forget the way you make me feel, the way you make me tremble.
Your green eyes, your pail white skin, your secret smile (the one you only shared with me), EVERYTHING about you boy!, everything used to make so DAMN HAPPY!

I wish you good luck and happiness in all the things you’ll do. And I wish for you to have the best things on Earth, because you deserve it. I cannot blame you. I can’t hate you, because I love you.You left a mark in my heart dear and it’ll be forever there reminding me of you.

I thank you for being sweet and tender and mine…
I know I meant all of those things for you too, once.So I don’t regret a single day we shared. I don’t regret a minute, not a second… I don’t regret I met you at all.

I never wished for things to end up this way. I hate the idea of becoming only one more name on your list of failed loves and broken hearts. I like to think that you’ll remember me as something else… Maybe in your dreams you’ll find me someday and you’ll remember how close we once were to perfection.

I guess now you’ll move on with your life, find a new girl to keep your heart from breaking. I wish I could have been that girl...

Necesitaba ya un poco de inspiracion.
Sentia que no habia forma de poner en palabras todos los sentimientos expermientados estas ulitmas semanas.
Han sido tan intesas y diferentes a lo que estoy acostumbrada a sentir.
Ya sean buenos, malos, alegres, tristes, utliles y demas.. valen la pena ser sacados de mi interior antes que empiezen a apoderarse de mis facultades racionales para pensar.

Es que tantas cosas han cambiado.
No se si sera la ayuda profecional o el simple hecho de estar "madurando" y tomando lo positivo de la vida.
Tantas cosas han motivado mi cambio.

Son cosas tan simples las que han cambiado como poder levantarme sin ojeras ya que por fin, estoy logrando conciliar el suenio. Cosas como poder verme al espejo y ver mis ojos sin sentir que no soy yo la que se refleja.
Sera porque toda situacion se conecta con otra?. Si, estoy bien con el.. estoy bien con migo.

Por fin estoy conforme con las personas que me rodean , logre por fin desacerme de tanto drama y dejar a un lado esas hipocresias que hacian de la vida escolar un profundo tormento.
Ahora estoy en calma y la paz interna no se ve tan lejana.
Aun hay situaciones que oscurecen mis dias pero es a las 7:25 am cuando un miguel angel baja de la rampa de pre-primaria se dibuja un enorme sol ensima de mi vida. Es es el quien me da alegria.

Y asi es como acaba la introduccion y puedo hablar de lo que tanto quiero.
Se puden tomar dos decisiones
1. Si estas leyendo esto, podes dejar de hacerlo porque lo que sigue habla de el.
2.Continua leyendo. :)

Ha sido un mes dificl, que con cada paso que el tomaba se alejaba millas de mi.. Pero esto es una lucha constante entre quien eramos y quienes podemso llegar a ser estando jutnso. Es una muestra de como el poder de olvidar y perdonar pueden cambiar las cosas y ponerlas justamente donde deberian estar. Demostar que el querer relamente es poder y poder para mi es amar y querer y desear y anelar.
Parece lo mismo que antes pero no lo es,, es mas vulnerable, impenetrable, fragil, seguro,completo, protegido. Es mas, abierto, profundo,lleno, simple, verdadero.

No logro entender como este indivuo entro a mi corazon y siemplemente decidio instalarse. Pero fue mi corazon quien lo apriciono y jamas lo dejara salir.
Nunca poder contar con las manos todas las peleas que hemos tenido ni las veces que hemos hecho que el otro pase un feo momento pero tampoco podria contar con 30 manos las veces que me ha salvado y las veces que junto a el, he perdido la nocion del tiempo.
Antes que mi corazon se quebrara logro juntar todos los pedazos y unirlos con ese "que se yo" que logra manterlos unidos, siempre.

Aveces quisiera que esta personita pudiera olvidar y dejar ir todaas las situaciones negativas que traer su pasado. Que pudiera por un momento olvidar quien fue y que solo se basara en quien es.
Quisiera poder llevarme todo esto y tirarlo en los mas profundo de el mar de los recuerdos.. pero es imposible si el los sigue atando.
Siento que algun dia estallere y tomar las cosas demasiado personales, provocando una revolucion con ese "pasado" que constantemente regresara para daniarlo todo.

Y esas cosas son las que provocan comentarios.. ajenos.
Honestamente, creo que por esto me molesta tanto que las persona quieran dar su opinion (sin que yo la pida) acerca de nosotros.
No entenderian lo que realmente es, esto va mucho mas alla de lo que todos pueden ver.
Son cosas que si no las sienten, no entienden.
Y apesar de lo mucho que me enojan, esos comentarios y opininioes nunca cambiaran directa o indirectamente lo que siento y lo que quiero.

Esta relacion, fue el principio de mi vida y no quiero jamas tener que volver a ser quien era antes.

I never wished for the past to come back as much as I wish tonight.

I still remember all those happy days, how many laughs and tears. I remember when we hold hands, when your arms fit perfectly in my body. How your fingertips used to draw magical feelings aroud my skin. I miss those times.
I like to remember how i used to be everything for you and how you still everything to me.
You meant the world and you where my world my love my only one. my only one.
I honestly believed in us I though this was going to last for ever, but now it seems too late for us to try again. Cause trying is not enough.

I hate to finally feel the end. I hate the idea of not being by your side.
I hate this afeternoons with out you, you were the light upon the darkest nights, the only fun in those boring sunday mornings and lonely thursdays.

And even tho i know you are might going to find some one else, someone who can take you to the place we never been. And even when you hold someone else hand i'll never forget how close we were to perfection.

Cause im Afraid you are going to realize im not perfect.
and then you will have to leave me and i'll be dead. DEAD.
and i hope that time doesn't come any soon, because until that day im going to fight, fight so i can be (as i said) PERFECT for you.

And this ain't a fairy tale and i most take this as real life, even tho is killing me, i have to learn to survive.
But isn't dying the same as living without you?, sure it is.

...

but well it might be for the best.

recall

And sometimes I wonder who i end like this.
How i turn to be who I am today.
How many mistakes, how many ups and dows. But I love where im standing and if i had to take the same road again well, I will.
I love every single inch of my life and Im so thankfull.
And i can not blame anyone else but my. I take evey step and I belive i took them in the best and right way.
Even tho I break my life in a million little pices, a million times I find the glue to make them fit almost perfectly again.

So i was thinking about that and I was out walking around and I was trying to forget all the shit I've gotten myself into and I laid down in the grass and I felt calm, very calm, and I decided to stay for a while.
It's been a long time since i felt this calm, I can feel the air touching my skin and yeah, playing with the gost that have being hunting me.
Oh but i feel better I am where I am suposed to.

And im done, im done with that crap of belonging.
Belonging is not something I have ever concerned myself with and is not something I give two shits about.

Life, life, life. Im starting to understand you.

End

Give what i fucking want! And give it to me now.
The fresh air is melting my braind and paralizing my whole body.
The thoughts run thru my veins and i can feel them, feel them and it scares me.
And i feel like crying, wondering why? why im feeling this shtoopid way.
So EMOtional, so wrong.
Fuck you, fuck you mind. Stop playing this games with me.
Stop playing with the demonds inside of me, don't bring them back, keep them away.
Take care of me don't keep distroying me.
Please don't take me this higher, don't take me to my hiden place. No more.

I have never used the word fuck so many times.

I guess we all have a limit.
And all this issues are fucking pushing my botons.
Im tired.

How can i be so differente, not in the "im such a cool person way"..
Im mean it, why?
I like school, i like to study, i don't drink or smoke, i like to stay healthy i don't give a damn about my fucking weight. Im trully happy with who i am.
But why do i seem to be so outcast?. I can't pretend and i guess that's making me a lonely person.
Im all alone. No friends (not real friends). And oh i have this amazing abilitty of erase all that people and forget, i can always forget.

I don't belong in this society, this time. It's not my time.

I have some troubles with my self, yeah i know im not ok.
But this is killing me, really.

I can feel all this liquids coming from my stomach directly to my throat burning evey single inch of my digestive system.
Stealing my sleep, taking the peace out of my,, just FUCKING driving me nuts!.
Killing me.. KILLING ME. With every night that passes by my body is dying.

And im so dissapointed.
Of me, of him, of THEY.
Of everything around. JUST TAKE THIS STUPID PAIN AWAY. Just take it.


And i have lost it.. lost that someone who was my support and the little shine.
That friend who always knew what to say. His gone, yeah gone. He might not be dead but for me he is. He is gone and he is not coming back for me.
I mean why will he return anyways, there is nothing i can give.

STAY AWAY FROM ME..

Why is it so effin hard for me to be a girl, im not sure if it is my fault or maybe it's the way i react in certain situations.. wait those both are about me.
It's so difficult to smile when everything goes dead wrong.
Yikes, those ridiculous, unnecesary turns are giving me a constantly headache.
I can't rest my eyes, my mind is blowing & i feel so out of place.

I hate this ability of turning completely invisible, i hate how i dessapeare whe i don't fucking want to.
Im somehow learning to control this "situation" but i can't. no.
But why do i seem to be forget so easly, Im turnign into my own enemy.

Yes, im the one who's keeping everyone away, i built this unbreakable shield and i don't let ANYONE to get inside the real me.
And when they finally reach the bottom of me i automatically push them away.
I practically beg them to live me alone.

What a night

It's amazing how a couple of drinks can take my true feelings out.
Im wasted right now, wasted all the way.
I can barely feel my arms and my head is speaning and i can't see clearly (maybe because im not wearing my glasses).

I need to take this clothes off it feels so unconfortable or maybe it's just me.
I been feeling terrible lately, i feel everything is out of place.
Ugh what is happening? what am i thinking!.

Yeah, im talking about my sweet relationship.. Oh im fucking ruining it.
Im just to drunk for writing, i'll end this tomorrow.

Oh what a terrible night, i couldn't sleep im awake since yesterday.
I drank so much tea that i can feel the caffeine runing truh my veins.
My eyes are red as fuck and my mom found out how much i was drinking last night.
But i guess there's always something positive in every single situation

He is my happiness, the umbrella for my rainy days and the cloud in those annoying sunny days.
He is everything for me.
And im happy, happy as i can be.

Watching the beautiful sunrise i can tell, there's no one else who inspires me as he does.. No one can calm my nervs as he can.
It's as simple as there is no one in the world i rather be with.

Yes, i am in love.. Not the 17 years old type of love, more like a mature and true love.
When the words are not enough when just looking at each other we can see our true feelings.
No, kisses are not a necessity any more, i can kiss him with my eyes. I can feel him without a touch, and i know i can because now, we are one.

He is the love in i love you, He is the smile in my face, the toughts of my days, the star in my own sky, the thing in my everything and the MIKE in my life. <3

cause im sick of me

Maybe my reaction was NOT the right one.
Im not sure how, i don't now why.

My own mood swings are giving me whiplash.
I feel dizzy and im sick of it.
Im going to teraphy, im trying so effin hard to be normal.. But it seems impossible.
When i try so hard i fall harder!
All the ideas running in my head, playing with my nervs. Oh it sucks.

I have no other option than let my self win. This constant battle inside of me is ruining everything is consuming my thoughts.
And im hurting all this amazing people, thar are just trying to help.
Maybe they are just playing with the demonds inside my head.
I simply don't know.

He is constantly holding my hand and helping me when i loose my self, and im acting hostil against him? in what type of human im turnig into.

Oh this untrue feelings.

Lo que hoy siento.

Es increible lo rapido que pasa el tiempo, lo poco te tardan los momentos y lo rapido en que se vuelven nada mas que recuerdos.

Quiza todas mis notas hablan de el, de lo nuestro.
Pero es talvez porque es lo que ocupa constantemente mis pensamientos.

2 anios y 6 meses no parecen suficientes, aun puedo ver mas alla y siento mas de lo que mis dedos pueden escribir y mas de lo que mi cerebro puede procesar.
Hay tantas ideas,frases y emociones dando vueltas en mi cabeza. Tanto que expresar.

Pero hay un imagen, la imagen de sus ojos. Esos verde musgo en la oscuridad, miel en la claridad.
Se que podria describir esos ojos aunque nunca en mi vida los hubiera visto, se que podria de tantas veces que los he soniado.

Son talvez sus palabras que llegan en el momento justo, cuando son necesarias mas no amables.
Es la manera en la que sus susurran terribles verdades pero verdades que me preparan para enfrentar tristes mentiras.
Es como aprendemos el uno del otro, como cada uno tiene lo que el otro carece.
Juntos somos invensibles, inparables.. uno solo.

De todas las estrellas que brillan en mi cielo, no hay ninguna que desee tanto. Ninguna que necesite tanto. Ninguna que para mi, brille tanto.
No tengo mucho que dar, no tengo mucho que ofrecer pero lo que doy es lo que soy.
Y parece ser suficiente para hacerme la duenia de tu corazon.

Con tus sonrisas apagadas esos ojos cansados.. ese corazon tan daniado.
Quiero ser la cura de todos tus males, la sonrisa en tus decepsiones. La alegria de tu vida.
Quiero llevarte lejos, vamonos lejos. A ese mundo que solo los dos conocemos.
Hagamonos duenios de lo que queremos y derribemos lo que aborrecemos.

NO quiero jamas perderte. Quiero que seas mio, mio y solo MIO.
Por el resto del tiempo que nos queda y lo que viviremos luego de que este se acabe, cuando el tiempo no sea nada y podamos estar juntos.. Juntos.

Estoy jugando con fuego y voy a quemarme, lo se.
Las cosas estan perdiendo el control y se que todo tiene un limite.
Estoy despertando todo lo negativo y arriesgado y me siento culpable.
No se cuanto mas podre aguntar, se que parare escupiendo todo. Lamentablemente puede ser demasiado tarde...

sweet afternoon

Sunny days and bright nights.
Long talks and short thoughts.
Walking for hours without a certain direction.
Climbing mountains with you by my side.
Touching every color in the rainbow and kissing every single star.
Speed racers of love and slow movements.

Every time we kiss, all those butterflies flying inside.
There are no words to express this unconditional feeling.
Watching how the sun rise with your breath taking smile.
And how my heart beat like a subway train.

There is something in the air when you are by my side.
Lights seem so much brighter.
And there is not darkness that can make me feel afraid.
Next to you, im stronger, better, smarter, happier,.. better.

Ataque No. 2

No es nada facil tratar de explicar lo que se siente, lo que se pierde y lo mucho que duele.
Podria decirse que la "ansiedad" no ciertamente diagnosticada es peor que la tratada clinicamente.
Pero ahora creo que un nuevo visitante se ha instalado en mi cuerpo y temo que desea quedarse, si, la ira no es bienvenidad y no se da cuenta.

Por algun motivo escribir en este blog me hace relajarme y descargar todo lo que hace que mi cuerpo no pare de temblar, sin embargo se que nadie lee esto incluso se que no tiene sentido escribir para extranios que talvez, de casualidad se encuentran leyendo esto.
Pero puedo asi sacar todo esto sin herir a nadie y sin que nadie que me conosca puedo intrometerse en mi vida y en mis sentimientos.
Es mas facil relatar tu vida a un perfecto desconocido, este no puede jusgarte y si lo hace, no duele.
No te conoce ni quiere hacerlo.

Acabo de colgarle el telefono a mi novio ya que no me sentia comoda tratando de explicarle la reciente discusion familiar, pero aca estoy escribiendo todo como si alguien estubiera prestandome atencion.

Lamentablemente no tengo el valor de hablar estas cosas con mis padres, ni con nadie (llamanme debil, se que lo soy).
Es triste sentirme tan sola en estos momentos, porque se que no lo estoy.
Pero es como si mi cerebro quisiera convencer a mi corazon de lo primero.

ican'ttakeit.

when those arms are around me.

What a wonderful feeling.

It's unbeliable how can those arms turn a grey and bored day into a clear sky and a funny afternoon.
Sometimes we act hostil against each other.
Sometimes we act like fools.
Sometimes we do funny faces.
Sometimes we laugh until our stomachs hurt.
Sometimes we cry until the last tear is on the ground.
Sometimes we belive.
Sometimes we lose the hope.
Sometimes we don't need to talk.
Sometimes a whole day is not enough for our conversations.
Sometimes, but i hate those sometimes, i forget how much i need him.
& sometimes just a smile remind me how the stars shine brighter when he is by my side. <3

demasiado?

Si, en estos momentos me parece que todo es demasiado.
"La pandemia", la violencia, la contaminacion, las injusticias,las manifestaciones, las negaciones, las frustraciones. TODO.
Y no es que esto me este afectando de una manera directa, pero estar viviendo rodeada de tantos problemas es estresante y frustrante.
Aunque algunas personas se sientan ofendidas al ver como una ninia de 17 anios sufre de estres y de ansiedad, otras se dan cuenta que es imposible no sentirse asi al estar dentro de tantas dificultadas (sin tomar en cuenta la adolescencia y los problemas sicologicos que sufre cualquiera al tratar de soportar la secundaria).

Y donde quedo la concienca ambientalista?
Ah es tan triste ver como muchos de los jovenes que forman parte de mi vida cotidiana, usan la corriente hippie como una "trend" una moda y nada mas.
No tienen ni idea de lo revolucionario que fue este movimiento, que va mas alla del signo de paz y amor, mas de la ropa. Por dios, es un sentimiento!.

Oh, no podemos olvidar a las personas que se hacen llamar "vegetarianas" y sin embargo ver a un perro callejero no los conmueve ni un poco, es mas apuesto que no se atreverian a ponerle un dedo ensima.

Puede ser que esta nota sea una manera de expresar lo harta que estoy de las apariencias, oh puede ser el deseo de ver a personas reales, no solo espejos de lo que hay en la television.

ughh.

it's the first time im not wearing pj's at 8 o'clock

yeah :D
the thing is that my cousin is living here so i must look like a normal person.
ugh is boring tho.

So today i went to dentist, again. And im still fucked up!
On june 17th im going to have my first surgery, and yea im scared.

Oh i cut my hair! yes yes and it looks fantastic.
tss.

I miss mike like hell.

and im bored yes yes.



I just love how a conversation can take some "missed" feelings back.
And how that can change our mind in no more than 5 seconds.
Oh and ofcourse how, those feelings can make you feel like the worst crap alive.

vacations

aah what an amazing word!
and it's called vacations! :D yes yes im finally going to be able to rest a few weeks.
Ok so what it's going on here:

My cousin dominique came from tennesse and she is going to be here for about 6 weeks (yes a month).
She is taking spanish and history classes at antigua and she comes only the weekends, but still we have time to hang ut and stuff.

Im top studen of my class this unit (no, im not braging).
Im probably going to learn a mayan lenguage this vacations plus an extra math job to get my grade into a 100.

Ballet is going to keep me bussy i have to take double class in order to get the time i lost when i was hurt.

half of my friends are grounded because of them awesome greats so i might going to spend it with my family and my boyfriend (not bad at all).

uhm im reading this book that i already read in spanish and it's called the sister hood of the traviling pants (pretty good tho).

Im going to the dentist tomorrow , and that scares me so effin much.
Dying my hair this week and probably geting my nails done.
Going to buy new glasses.

ok so in a resume, trying to SURVIVE THIS VACATIONS.

back to the begining.

han pasado aproximadamente 3 anios desde ese dia, desde ese periodo de mi vida.
La calma por fin habia tomado las riendas, nada iba mal.
Nunca pense que regresaria.. que ese monstruo que consumia mis noches y me atacaba por las tardes, estaria una vez en mi vida.
Que todas esas noches desperdiciadas volerian.

Estaba segura que los ataques nunca se irian, me lo dijero. Esto seria parte de mi por siempre sin poder evitarlo, cambiarlo o calmarlo.
Simplemente tenia que aprender a vivir (a luchar) contra ello.

Mi vida ha sido practicamente normal, rodeada de amor familiar y de amigos que ciertamente valen la pena.
Nunca he tenido una experiencia choqueante ni he sufrido ninguna clase de accidente.
Podria decirse que mi vida es simple y sencilla como la de cualquier otro adolecente de 17 anios.
Es por eso que encontrar el porque nunca ha sido facil.

...

La primera vez que entre a ese salon, oscuro y con olor a (bueno no encuentro las palabras) con olor a doctor (si asi puede llamarsele) , olor a miedos, decepciones, preocupaciones, anguastias, etc.
simplemente con olor a esa persona que se supone "curara" todo esto.
No, yo no queria hablar me reusaba y me limitaba a contestar algunas preguntas. Siempre con la mirada perdida, viendo como aveces cai la lluvia sobre los intentos de arbol que crecian alrededor de la "oficina."
...

Es triste saber que ha vuelto, esta de vuela y parece ser que no se ira nunca.
Es como esas visitas inesperadas e indeseadas.
No se como paso ni cuanto tiempo podre soportarlo.

Este martes a las 5:00 pm estare de vuelta en ese lugar.
Y una vez mas sere analizada hasta poder, encontrar una solucion.

oh yeah, i find her :)

and she make me realize that friendship exist :)

seventeen.

17 years ago a beautiful girl was born, with golden hair and big brown eyes, JUST KIDDING.
but yeah, one june 5th i was born. In a cold and rainy midnight.. (1992).
since i born i have ever felt the changes of turning a year older, i guess today is the exception.
I woke up feeling older and i realize how much i have change!, maybe i still have the same expresion and my face looks almost the same.
But my life and the people that surrounds me it's not the same of 5 or 10 years ago.
I still have the free spirt and the big smile in my face but my thoughts, oh man thore are so different.
It's amazing but when i was thinking about this i notice how my boyfriend is still here. I met him when i was 14 and now im turning 17.

It's unbelievable how people change. I HAVE.

i like who i am today and i don't regret any of the decisions that i make cause those decisions take me where im today.
And if life goes all i want from this life is to keep with those CHANGES that make a better human being.

ugh glasses

i hate it.

bored+no life= resume.

so, i feel the necesity of write what have being going on in my life this week.
I don't even know why, if there's a 90% of probablities that no one is going to read it.

Anyway, here is a resume:

About health:
God, last saturday i went to the dentist and im extremelly fucked up! i need like 4 surgeries
and all of them are stupidly painful indeed.
Also my sight it's so damage, yes i was suposed to wear glasses since i was 13 years old but no, i didn't use them. why? Cause i used to care way to much what other people said about me.
In the other hand my feet are getting worse, because of my passion (ballet).

About love:
As happy as i can be! yes sir my relationship seems to get better with all the day that passes by.
I love him & he love me as well.
We do fight, is normal right?.

About family:
We are playing a fucking bittersweet symphony.

About school:
:) im proud of myself.

About FRIENDS:
oh wow, i think this is the aspect wich i was waiting to write about.
i finally found what i was looking for this years, FRIENDS girl friends.
I met this girls at school, and they just rock the hell of my life! they are awesome and i know they are the kind of friends that, prevale.
I love them, yes i do.

I also find what is closest to a best friend, and she is way to cool.
I know we don't know each other since we were kids but is enough for me to know that she underestands me and she is always there when i need her.
She is one of the few persons that make me feel comfortable.
Im not sure if she feels the same way, but honestly i don't care, i belive what matters it that we trust in each other.
Im not used to love people (even tho that sounds tough), she is so easy to love.
maybe is her awesome personality or the way our thoughts matches perfectly.
I thank God, for give me the oportunity to find her :)

About stetic:
finally, I let my hair grow long.
im trying to NOT were makeup.

About life:
I LOVE HOW EVERYTHING IS GOING ON.

i have something new to see.

paradigm?
well i think i might be trying to break one.
there comes a point in our life when we are pretty much not sure about ANYTHING.

after a few months of the biggest confusion ever (the kind of confusion were you doubt about life, love, sexuality preferences, family, friends and even God).
about 2 weeks ago i wasn't able to recognize my self.
I was giving up to everything, icluding life.
i remember i had this sorta fight with God & i remember how bad i felt after that shtoopid hour.
i scream and curse everything next to me, even myself.

I ask him why?, why me and why in this moment..where were him when everything was falling to pieces & when I was the only suport for my mother.
I yell at him for 30 minutes crying on the garage.
wondering where was the happiness I used to feel & trying to find out why ME.

but then i start thinking, with the brain not with the stomach (yes, one of my closest friends say that to me today).
& i realize that instead of that i should do something about it.

***
Tthis aint a religious note or anythng like that, but yes i have to admit that God save me this time.

***

Then took the umbrella (cuz it was raining so hard outside) i walked for about 15 min to the closest curch and oh crap it was closed.
damn i felt like it was raining only over me and like my second home also closed the door to me.
i start crying over again and the stupid toughts came again but i said NO, not this time and I looked at the sky, smile and & said.. i know, this is just a test.

(Only someone that have being in this kinda situation will understand how i felt.)

i was a few steps next to home and took a deep breath when i came inside my dad hug me & told me " i can' tell if this is gonna be ok at the end, but i have to know if you are alright" i told him"ask nothing dad".
he kiss me and i saw how a tear was hidding behind his hazel right eye.

days passe by and i continue praying and hoping and all that religous stuff.
and guess what, thing are BETTER.
way much better.
i think God embrase me.
yes there is a magical power that is able to turn a gray day into a blue and light day.


oh!, and about the paradigm:
when there is a problem, people tend to lose the hope.

Regreso.

y cuando la oscuridad parece ser lo unico que queda...
donde se coloca entonces la poca luz que se mantiene encendida?.
habra que apagarla de a una o simplemente dejar que el frio vaya desvaneciendo esa llama poco a poco.
talvez el frio del alma es capaz de congelar cualquier calor humano, pero vale realmente la pena
perder la esperanza tan facil?

La introduccion de esta entrada fue escrita hace varios meses, cuando las cosas en mi vida perecian estar blanco & negro.
Hoy, despues de estas pocas experiencias y todos estos sentimientos encotrados (y perdidos), le puedo dar un giro totalmente diferente y ver las cosas del otro lado, la otra cara de la moneda.

Tambien se que he cambiado, no la clase de cambio que todos notan como un corte de cabello, sino el cambio interno y persona, ese que solo la persona que se conoce, notarial.
Tener una perspectiva postiva que hace que lo mas oscuro paresca alumbrado por un pequenia luz llamdo "esperanza" o sera talvez la "paciencia".

Estube completamente atrapada y no queria salir, o no. Era tan facil escapar y esconderme.
Pero era tiempo de salir y enfrentarme con mi peor enemigo.. YO.

Darme cuenta de que yo misma era la que me ponia barreras para salir adelante dolio mas que la estupida idea de hecharle culpa a terceros.
Y es encontrase en momentos dificiles lo que nos hace creecer como personas y valorar la vida, como se debe. como milagros que somos.

Pase los meses de marzo, abril & parte de mayo, tratando de sobrevivir, sin que nadie se diera cuenta.
Es tan dificil tratar de vencer una batalla interna, especialmente si te sientes tan sola. Aunque estes rodeado de tantas personas.
Y si, son esas personas las que sin su consentimiento te ayudan a salir.
A ver el sol otra vez y a salir de esa noche eterna. literalemte.

Pase 2 meses sin poder dormir, viendo el techo hasta que mis ojos se cerraban no por suenio sino porque se cansaban de luchar.
Tomando cantidades exesivas de te, que solo hacian mas danio a mis problemas esofagales y a mi ansiedad.. haciendo pedasos mi sistema nervioso.

Pero basta de hablar de lo malo, ya no soy asi.
He cambiado, he regresado. Y AMO ESTAR DE VUELTA.

incomplete

i need a break.
a break for all these bad situations.
i feel like i don't have the strenght that im needing right now.
im about to fall.
can anybody give me a light, a light so i can move through this darkness?
im standing all alone.
so how can i fight against a broken heart? against what is hurting her?
about all the pain in her soul?
but what am i? just another person in your life!?
i want to run away and never como back again.
i have just loose my self.
i want to disapear forever until i born again as a some else.
im in the edge of colapse and doesn't matter how hard i try im about to die.
i DON'T want to lose my faith on that superior someone that is suposed to be watching me.
but it seams to be so hard to believe right now.
pain only grows harder and happiness just blows away..

Your Mood Swings Are Kinda Giving Me Whiplash

oh boy!'
im sick of this miserable bitter sweet feeling that is consuming my energy and faith.
the way you switch your emotions it's hurting me more than you think.
one day you make me think that MAYBE you are in love as well, but the next it's like im invisible for you.
but im here? can you see me? can you see and realize how hard im falling for you with everyday that passes by?.
i know, im not that cute, not that smart and maybe im just and average girl with a normal life.. but i can bet nobody have ever felt this way for you.
i wish i had the stenght of letting you know how i feel so i could found out what you think.

i wonder if im wasting my time..
maybe i should let this/you go.

but then, your face again.
i don't want to close my eyes, its most likely .. you will be there.
i try to run away from you and never see your face again, im starting to feel scared... scared of you.
scared because i dont know how you are going to react.
becuase im not sure of what you feel, because i dont know if you like my company or if you want me to stay away from you.
scarede because this "deal" IS GETTING BIGGER.

i just need you to STOP acting hostil againt me!
you are really making this so hard for me!.

para el y para ella.

and so how?
how he became everything i want.. and she became everything i hate.
i know life is NOT what it seems but i guess sometimes si better when we can create our own way of look at that kinda awful situations.
it might be easier if i start with HIM.
yeah, him. well is not that i don't want his frindship but, im starting to feel something different, somehing sorta cute.
i can't tell my heart to stop beating for him or my mind to stop getting jelaous when another girl is by his side. i can't tell my eyes to stop looking at him!.
im almost a 100% sure, he doesn't feel the same but sometimes for some stupid reazon i don't care.
when his hands touch my skin, even in a inocent and friendly way, my whole body and soul feel as i felt with my first kiss.
i know i should tell him how i feel in order to now what his feelings are.
i can try to forget him and move on but in the other hand i can let him know how much im falling for him..
im scared, yeah im scared of figuring out how this "deal" is increasing and growing faster than i thought.
there most be something i can do but im not sure yet..


now about HER.
best friends? what does that even mean? i tought all the friends are suposed to be THE BEST.
she never was enough real or good for me ): unfortunately.
i always had the feeling that she was pretending to be something just to fit in my world.
somehow i found it cute and i was happy.. finally i was able to call someone my best friend.
as the days passes by i realize she was NOT what she pretends.. instead of being cool and stuff she was so patethic.. like the rest of stupid girls in my school.
i can't saw her anymore not because we are fighting or anything.. i just think is grose :)
the way she acts and the persons wich she is hanging out.

im sick of this, of how anything last for me.
friends come and go and im all alone at the end.
maybe i meant to be alone, and it suck's.

IM DONE.

<3

it was so hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and i would wake up.

ese sentimiento encontrado

amor, el amor.
no puedo entender lo profundo de esto que siento.. mas no logro comprender hacia quien se
inclina esta pasion que arde de una manera extensa en mi alma y corazon!.
sera quiza que me esoty enamorando del amor, de nada mas que el puro sentiemiento que tanto deseamos.
sera talvez que mis incognitas se deban a la confusion que causa el amor y el enamoriento en mi.
no lo se, solo se no puedo dejar de amarlo.. mas no se exactamente que.
tengo el corazon en gozo, baila y retosa en lo mas profundo de mis pensamientos!.
veo como el amor es todo y todos somos parte del amor.
me he enamorado de querer amar, de poder sentir lo que tanto nos pintan y nos hcen creer las historias mas apasionadas!.
me he enamorado de amar todo lo que puedo y lo que no!. de amar lo que me es posible y lo que
no debo..
.de ver como el amor nos mueve, cambia y conmueve.

que mas necesito que amor en mi interior!. paz y amor fluyen en mi.
amo querer amarte sin saber quien eres sin poder decirte que eres tu a quien amo.. amo no poder
abrazarte xq aun no se QUIEN ERES.
amo este sentimiento guardado que una vez mas ha sido encontrado.


enamorada de los enamordos, de quienes se aman con locura sin importar lo que hay de pormedio.
amando todo lo que se puede amar.!
las miradas de dos locos entusiasmados!, el primer beso de verdadero amor, la primera entrega de eso tan preciado.
cayendo de amor por los que no tienen limites y ven mas alla de lo que el ciego por amor no puede.
de sentir como el amor de quienes amo!.
de ver como nace una flor cerca de los que tiene el corazon en la mano, listo para ser entregado!.
AMAR esas sonrisas que se escapan cuando se esta cn el ser deseado!.
de ver como timidos pensamientos aparecen en los ojos!.
eas miradas perdidas que se encuentran cuando menos se lo esperaran!.

amo el poder decir cuanto amo el amor!.
que no bastan palabraas para sacar esto de mi carazon!.
que ese rostro tan perfecto, roba el brillo de la luna y la hace morir de envidia!.
de ver como esos ojos se superan la aura en la maniana y hacen que el sol quiera salir!.
como cada una de esas sonrisas pinta en el mundo un trazo de alegria, parte la vida en dos y
dos seran los que se amen!.

son esos rozes inesperados y coquetos.. los que hacen saltar al corazon!.
son esos pasos indesios hacia el ser amado!.



es amor y nada mas que AMOR!.

We got the same heart

why does it take me so much to find out what i want!.
when i tought everything was over and falling down he make me realize how much we mean for each other.
life gave us what we need but is our decision to take it or not.
he is al i need and all i ask for, but i was so blind.. thinking on some stupid decitions.
i just have to take a look in to those big brown eyes to feel better, i just need a hug of those tinny long arms, a bitter sweet smile that only those lips can give, a wet kiss on my cheek to now.. HE IS ALL I NEED.

we can't leave without each other is just impossible, we are only one.. we got the same heart.

im so used to his family, i love her sister and her mother as well.
on his family i find what im missing and the complement for my happiness : )

is being so long since we met.. so long since the first kiss
but after all this time my heart still beat the same for you..
my stomach still feel butterflies for you <3
i guess our love is outside of almost everything.
we are so different from the rest of couples and i love it! the fact that we dont call each other
bby make me feel so special : )
you are the one and the only.

i know we can make it hunny!.
I LOVE YOU

meant for each other

you mean a lot to me.
that something you already know, but what you don't know is that you are turning in ALL i need.
i feel weird when you are not around, but i feel even worst when im next to you.
im not sure if this is okey,, but for some reason i dont really care.
i want to throw my arms around you and hug you! like i never did before.
show you how much you mean to me, and how much i love you.
it's so complicated how my feelings are turning and everything i use to feel is now different
but yeah it was going to happen eventually.
everything i know about you, is exactly what i been looking for.

i dont believe in love at first sight. nope.
it doesnt work for me..
after all this time i wonder how a relationship between us will be, there is only one way to
describe it, PERFECT.

it's hard to believe that we couldnt see!
we are meant for each other.

what's fucking wrong with society!.

kids are turning in to animals!
girls are acting like boys
boys are acting like STUPIDS.
where are these ppl values!?
where are those kids PARENTS.
is aweful and im so pissed!.
not becase is against my or my best friend. IS BECAUSE of how everything is goind down in
society.
if THOSE "kids" are our future WE are so fucking lost!.
Integrity!?? where is it!?
im about to collapse! i think is ridiculous and stupid!. and i wish there was something i could do.

who the hell has enough time to send messages telling ppl "HAY VERGUEO MUCHA" wth is that!?
god!! who fucking cares if you have a problem or in this case OBSESSION with someone.
take yer drama, issues and mental diseas somewhere else! far far away from me and form the ones i love.
and what's even WORST do it on a public place!? is that the point? the idea? is that what makes you cool? well thank god im NOT.
just let me tell you something,( you know who you are) GET A FREAKING LIFE. you are NOT a BOY.
stop it gosh! >:|
BEING drunk in a mall is THE MOST stupid thing in the whole world!!
and yea im sure, when you finish reading this, you are going to call yer WHORE friends and the same shit
is going to happen but guess what I DONT GO to malls, because i know you are going to be there and
watch yer face make me sick :)
besides, dont you DARE to touch, talk or even think about her i LOVE her and im not going to let it happend .. and no im not going to kick
yer ass IM NOT AS STUPID AS YER SOCIETY. im goingo to talk with yer parents and im goingo to make
you go to some jail idk somewhere you can become A LADY.
for all the ones that where there come on ARE WE LIVING A FUCKING CIRCUS!.
you are a STALKER!. SICK BASTARD!.you sick person!

bw i thak god and everyone in heaven! THAN GOD IM NOT YER FRIEND ANY MORE.
:D
i feel better now.

pasaria, eventualmente

perfecion.
si, vivimos en un mundo donde buscamos la perfeccion a toda costa, fisica y emocianalmente..
queremos la persona ideal, que satisfasca nuestras necesidades.
aveces creemos que ya le encontramos, que por sentir un poco de electricidad a la par de esta
persona, ya tenemos lo que buscamos
pero cuando la vida y el destino nos juegan esas vueltas que nadie entiende te das cuenta, lo que tenias a la par no era presisamente lo que merecias.
dado que el lado derecho no funciono siempre tenemos el lado izquierdo!, he ahi lo que yo buscaba.

nunca imagine que suecederia, que mi complemento estaba tan cerca .. a la vuelta de la esquina.
que seria el quien de un dia a otro me daria el "amor" que yo necesitaba.
pero sera esto lo correcto, sera que no es solo un sentimiento pasajero que con el tiempo se convertira en nada mas que un tonto juego.
quizas el miedo se deba a que te consoco demasiado, mas de lo que tu piensas.
te he estudiado, analizado y he aprendido a desifrar cada uno de tus dilemas.
se tambien lo dificil que es esto para ti. no mas que para mi.
tanto tiempo de estar tu lado, de ser tu apollo y el hombro en el que mil veces te has descargado.
miles de historias hemos vivido, cientos de sentimientos hemos econtrado de diversas maneras.
siempre te he amado! siempre, pero nunca lo supe.
es ese amor que se esconde por el miedo a no ser correspondido, el temor de no saber tu respusta.
si, ahora lo se pero eso no lo hace mas facil.
ahora el temor a que sea uno de tus juegos es mas y mas grande.
dejare que sea el tiempo el que se encargue de nosotros.
espero no este equivocada.

stress!

Stress is a biological term which refers to the consequences of the failure of a human or animal body to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats to the organism, whether actual or imagined.
honestly i have a stress problem.
but lately this has being affecting everything that surrounds me.
i have try to find the stressor but no, i can't find it.
maybe is me .. i don't know.
when someone has stress there are to ways of reaction:
adapt
or
collapse.
and i think i have collapse. in every situation.
the resistance is not enough and is not making me feel better :|
complicated huh yeah and it gets scarrier.

i have no idea why now, when i get mad i can hit whatever is near and i dont feel pain at
all.. until a few hours.
now, i curse a lot MORE than i used to.
i hate someone and that is making me insane! i know.. to hate is a sin.

and sometimes i cant take it! either people around me.
i have to find the reason why im getting like this
maybe is the school or family or just ME.

old entry

Que es esto?
no comprendo como en un momento las cosas giran tantos grados para el lado negativo.
no suelo ser una persona negativa, no lo soy.
pero hoy, no puedo ocultar este sentimiento que esta recorriendo mi cerebro, jugando con mi
espiritu y golpeando fuertemente mi alma.
no puedo quebrarme y sacar lo que mi corazon esta tratando de decirte, debo dejaro ahi.
es muy dificil.. estoy a punto de explotar..
sera tristesa? sera enojo? que sera!?
no estoy acostumbrada a verte asi.. esto es tan bueno para ti.
lo que necesitas para complementar tu felicidad?
pero que hay de mi, donde podemos esconder mi tristesa para celebrar tu nuevo exito?
dios no puedo! el momento del colpaso se acerca cada segundo mas y mas.. la resistencia
no da mas.!

una carta a mi alma..

querida alma:

que pasa con tigo!?
que te sucede! deja de ser asi!
basta con esos pensamientos y esa manera de ver la vida.
porque no aprendes a girar tu cabeza y ver todo desde otro punto de vista.
estas tan ocupada siendo EGOISTA. desperdiciando tu vida!
busca una meta, cosigue propositos! desifra tu vida... que esta se acaba.
deja ya de criticar las cosas! no eres perfecta.
no encuentras las cosas porque no te das la oportunidad de tomarlas.
y una vez mas DEJA DE SER TAN EGOISTA. no todo es solo para ti.. el NO es solo para ti.
deja a un lado tu estupido orgullo! se mas humilde.
no mientas!!
avece eres tan TONTA.. no puedo creer que te conosca, aveces no pareces ese ser del que me
siento orgullosa..
porfavor regresa a ser la persona que AMO.


sinceramente.. valeria.

peu de sentiment

oh seigneur. Je ne peux pas comprendre comment certains ou filles appellent la majeure partie de leur MEILLEUR AMI d'amis. Je crois que je suis étrange. parce que je n'ai pas un : ( je peux dire que moi a des groupes d'amis mais le bleh que j'ai besoin amie :|

YOU YOU YOU

like it was my fault.
keep on making me feel like crap.
cause after all, that's what make you feel alive.
be my guest.. take me apart.
heart broken, life is over.
who the hell you thik you are.
all is about you.. there is no one else besides YOU.
fuck off and go away.
i can NOT feel my legs.. i bet is because i really wanna go away.



*i dont feel like ending this..*

somewhere over.. the sky :)

quien eres?
donde estas?
y porque NO ESTAS AQUI?
esas son las preguntas...
tengo una familia, un papa, una mama, un hermano y una abuela
lo amo y lo necesito.
pero hay un espacio vacio en mi alma y en mi corazon.
la incognita de no saber como eres.. de nunca haber podido abrazarte
ni decirte cuanto te amo! de escuchar tus historias y poder sentir uno de tus besos.
de poder colgarme de tu cuello y decirte ABUELITO.

ultimamente la duda carcome mis pensamientos y se apodera de mi ratos libres, llenandolos
y cubriendolos de un deseo de CONOCERTE.
la peor forma de extraniarte es saber que nunca podre tenerte (en esta vida).
me pregunto si eres feliz? si me extranias? si tu tambien hubieras querido conocerme y formar
parte de mi vida.
me pregunto como podre extraniarte, si nunca he estado con tigo.. si solamente eres un
fantasma en mi mente, un alma que rodea mi soledad.

aun falta mucho para cumplir mi suenio, aun asi no pierdo el consuelo.. y trato de alimentar
el anelo de saber que ese dia llegara! y tendremos la vida eterna para estar juntos, para
escuchar nuestras historias y perdernos en nuestros mas profundos pensamientos. Hasta que uno de los dos tenga que partir a ser una nueva vida.. un nuevo ser.
se que el dia en el que puedas ser TU el unico que me entienda, me protega y consienta (:
ahora esta mas cerca..
puedo consolar mis frustraciones visitandote en mi suenios, entrando y saliendo de ellos
como mi tia abuela me ha enseniado.
undirme y esconderme en tu imagen, creando diferentes verciones tuyas..
puedo imaginarte de tantas maneras! pero prefiero aferrarme a la idea que mas me agrada.
puedo crear unos grandes y bellos ojos, color cafe; tal como los mios, una mirada cansada
pero llena de alegria!.. una sonrisa jovial que cuenta historias sin moverse.
el rostro de un ser celestial.. alguien con el alma suave y dulce como su corazon.
puedo incluso imaginar y sentir tu olor.. una mescla de tabaco y sudor juntando el olor
de los anios y de la sabiduria, una fragancia amarga/dulce, tal como la vida misma.

espero mis palabra lleguen a tus ojos, y cada una a tu corazon.
solo puedo decir TE AMO y que en algun lugar por el cielo seas feliz :D

january 5th 2009 :)

al empezar a pensar sobre esto, no estaba segura de como seria la introduccion o que seria
exactamente lo que queria escribir y expesar.
Empezar algo siempre se me hace dificil.
pero me saltare la introduccion y pasara a decir lo que tengo en mi corazon y en mi mente.
talvez estos ultimos meses no he sido la mejor novia ni la compania exacta que ese ser merece..
oh talvez lo he herido y lastimando sin que el se de cuenta.
esconderlo se hacia mas facil, obviamente.
pero dios! como puedo ignorar lo que siento por el! lo que me hace creer y lo que hace olvidar.
pasar horas acurrucada en sus brazos y sentir su respiracion.. tan coordinada con la mia, puedo
sentir que por momentos somos uno solo.
una solo corazon dividido en dos personas..
sentir como la yema de sus dedos roza leve y timidamente la piel de mis brazos y como la dulzura de su silencio me envuelve en una ternura inexplicable.
hablando por horas de temas que sobrepasan la realidad y que nadie mas, simplemente nadie
mas podria entender.
Ver como sus palabras dibujan con trazos tan finos, sonrisas en mi rostro.
como mis puntuales palabras levantan sus animos.

cuando los silencios nos invaden, no puedo ocultar mi miedo.. de que el silencio grite a todo
pulmon la verdad que se aferra fuertemente a mi garganta.
pero aun asi no puedo dejar de observarlo, rebuscar en esos ojos claros y sinceros ese dolor
que por momentos lo consume dejandolo sin energia para darme un poco de ese amor.
tambien me pierdo en esa mirada tan pacifica y serena.
amo amarlo!. pasar el tiempo rodeada de su brillante personalida de su esplendida manera de
ser con migo, de sus profundos y diferentes pensamientos..
estamos mas alla de una relacion normal.. estamos mas alla de lo normal.
eso le da un sentido magico. Y NO NECESITO NADA MAS.
mi felicidad esta con el..
despues de 1 anio y 11 meses mi corazon y mi amor siguen CON EL.
<3

smile :D

great! :)
today is january 2th.
my life is pretty much amazing right now! and i have everything i need.
this is really small but yeeah i can't stand the happiness wich is on my soul.