i have something new to see.

paradigm?
well i think i might be trying to break one.
there comes a point in our life when we are pretty much not sure about ANYTHING.

after a few months of the biggest confusion ever (the kind of confusion were you doubt about life, love, sexuality preferences, family, friends and even God).
about 2 weeks ago i wasn't able to recognize my self.
I was giving up to everything, icluding life.
i remember i had this sorta fight with God & i remember how bad i felt after that shtoopid hour.
i scream and curse everything next to me, even myself.

I ask him why?, why me and why in this moment..where were him when everything was falling to pieces & when I was the only suport for my mother.
I yell at him for 30 minutes crying on the garage.
wondering where was the happiness I used to feel & trying to find out why ME.

but then i start thinking, with the brain not with the stomach (yes, one of my closest friends say that to me today).
& i realize that instead of that i should do something about it.

***
Tthis aint a religious note or anythng like that, but yes i have to admit that God save me this time.

***

Then took the umbrella (cuz it was raining so hard outside) i walked for about 15 min to the closest curch and oh crap it was closed.
damn i felt like it was raining only over me and like my second home also closed the door to me.
i start crying over again and the stupid toughts came again but i said NO, not this time and I looked at the sky, smile and & said.. i know, this is just a test.

(Only someone that have being in this kinda situation will understand how i felt.)

i was a few steps next to home and took a deep breath when i came inside my dad hug me & told me " i can' tell if this is gonna be ok at the end, but i have to know if you are alright" i told him"ask nothing dad".
he kiss me and i saw how a tear was hidding behind his hazel right eye.

days passe by and i continue praying and hoping and all that religous stuff.
and guess what, thing are BETTER.
way much better.
i think God embrase me.
yes there is a magical power that is able to turn a gray day into a blue and light day.


oh!, and about the paradigm:
when there is a problem, people tend to lose the hope.