seventeen.

17 years ago a beautiful girl was born, with golden hair and big brown eyes, JUST KIDDING.
but yeah, one june 5th i was born. In a cold and rainy midnight.. (1992).
since i born i have ever felt the changes of turning a year older, i guess today is the exception.
I woke up feeling older and i realize how much i have change!, maybe i still have the same expresion and my face looks almost the same.
But my life and the people that surrounds me it's not the same of 5 or 10 years ago.
I still have the free spirt and the big smile in my face but my thoughts, oh man thore are so different.
It's amazing but when i was thinking about this i notice how my boyfriend is still here. I met him when i was 14 and now im turning 17.

It's unbelievable how people change. I HAVE.

i like who i am today and i don't regret any of the decisions that i make cause those decisions take me where im today.
And if life goes all i want from this life is to keep with those CHANGES that make a better human being.

ugh glasses

i hate it.

bored+no life= resume.

so, i feel the necesity of write what have being going on in my life this week.
I don't even know why, if there's a 90% of probablities that no one is going to read it.

Anyway, here is a resume:

About health:
God, last saturday i went to the dentist and im extremelly fucked up! i need like 4 surgeries
and all of them are stupidly painful indeed.
Also my sight it's so damage, yes i was suposed to wear glasses since i was 13 years old but no, i didn't use them. why? Cause i used to care way to much what other people said about me.
In the other hand my feet are getting worse, because of my passion (ballet).

About love:
As happy as i can be! yes sir my relationship seems to get better with all the day that passes by.
I love him & he love me as well.
We do fight, is normal right?.

About family:
We are playing a fucking bittersweet symphony.

About school:
:) im proud of myself.

About FRIENDS:
oh wow, i think this is the aspect wich i was waiting to write about.
i finally found what i was looking for this years, FRIENDS girl friends.
I met this girls at school, and they just rock the hell of my life! they are awesome and i know they are the kind of friends that, prevale.
I love them, yes i do.

I also find what is closest to a best friend, and she is way to cool.
I know we don't know each other since we were kids but is enough for me to know that she underestands me and she is always there when i need her.
She is one of the few persons that make me feel comfortable.
Im not sure if she feels the same way, but honestly i don't care, i belive what matters it that we trust in each other.
Im not used to love people (even tho that sounds tough), she is so easy to love.
maybe is her awesome personality or the way our thoughts matches perfectly.
I thank God, for give me the oportunity to find her :)

About stetic:
finally, I let my hair grow long.
im trying to NOT were makeup.

About life:
I LOVE HOW EVERYTHING IS GOING ON.

i have something new to see.

paradigm?
well i think i might be trying to break one.
there comes a point in our life when we are pretty much not sure about ANYTHING.

after a few months of the biggest confusion ever (the kind of confusion were you doubt about life, love, sexuality preferences, family, friends and even God).
about 2 weeks ago i wasn't able to recognize my self.
I was giving up to everything, icluding life.
i remember i had this sorta fight with God & i remember how bad i felt after that shtoopid hour.
i scream and curse everything next to me, even myself.

I ask him why?, why me and why in this moment..where were him when everything was falling to pieces & when I was the only suport for my mother.
I yell at him for 30 minutes crying on the garage.
wondering where was the happiness I used to feel & trying to find out why ME.

but then i start thinking, with the brain not with the stomach (yes, one of my closest friends say that to me today).
& i realize that instead of that i should do something about it.

***
Tthis aint a religious note or anythng like that, but yes i have to admit that God save me this time.

***

Then took the umbrella (cuz it was raining so hard outside) i walked for about 15 min to the closest curch and oh crap it was closed.
damn i felt like it was raining only over me and like my second home also closed the door to me.
i start crying over again and the stupid toughts came again but i said NO, not this time and I looked at the sky, smile and & said.. i know, this is just a test.

(Only someone that have being in this kinda situation will understand how i felt.)

i was a few steps next to home and took a deep breath when i came inside my dad hug me & told me " i can' tell if this is gonna be ok at the end, but i have to know if you are alright" i told him"ask nothing dad".
he kiss me and i saw how a tear was hidding behind his hazel right eye.

days passe by and i continue praying and hoping and all that religous stuff.
and guess what, thing are BETTER.
way much better.
i think God embrase me.
yes there is a magical power that is able to turn a gray day into a blue and light day.


oh!, and about the paradigm:
when there is a problem, people tend to lose the hope.

Regreso.

y cuando la oscuridad parece ser lo unico que queda...
donde se coloca entonces la poca luz que se mantiene encendida?.
habra que apagarla de a una o simplemente dejar que el frio vaya desvaneciendo esa llama poco a poco.
talvez el frio del alma es capaz de congelar cualquier calor humano, pero vale realmente la pena
perder la esperanza tan facil?

La introduccion de esta entrada fue escrita hace varios meses, cuando las cosas en mi vida perecian estar blanco & negro.
Hoy, despues de estas pocas experiencias y todos estos sentimientos encotrados (y perdidos), le puedo dar un giro totalmente diferente y ver las cosas del otro lado, la otra cara de la moneda.

Tambien se que he cambiado, no la clase de cambio que todos notan como un corte de cabello, sino el cambio interno y persona, ese que solo la persona que se conoce, notarial.
Tener una perspectiva postiva que hace que lo mas oscuro paresca alumbrado por un pequenia luz llamdo "esperanza" o sera talvez la "paciencia".

Estube completamente atrapada y no queria salir, o no. Era tan facil escapar y esconderme.
Pero era tiempo de salir y enfrentarme con mi peor enemigo.. YO.

Darme cuenta de que yo misma era la que me ponia barreras para salir adelante dolio mas que la estupida idea de hecharle culpa a terceros.
Y es encontrase en momentos dificiles lo que nos hace creecer como personas y valorar la vida, como se debe. como milagros que somos.

Pase los meses de marzo, abril & parte de mayo, tratando de sobrevivir, sin que nadie se diera cuenta.
Es tan dificil tratar de vencer una batalla interna, especialmente si te sientes tan sola. Aunque estes rodeado de tantas personas.
Y si, son esas personas las que sin su consentimiento te ayudan a salir.
A ver el sol otra vez y a salir de esa noche eterna. literalemte.

Pase 2 meses sin poder dormir, viendo el techo hasta que mis ojos se cerraban no por suenio sino porque se cansaban de luchar.
Tomando cantidades exesivas de te, que solo hacian mas danio a mis problemas esofagales y a mi ansiedad.. haciendo pedasos mi sistema nervioso.

Pero basta de hablar de lo malo, ya no soy asi.
He cambiado, he regresado. Y AMO ESTAR DE VUELTA.

incomplete

i need a break.
a break for all these bad situations.
i feel like i don't have the strenght that im needing right now.
im about to fall.
can anybody give me a light, a light so i can move through this darkness?
im standing all alone.
so how can i fight against a broken heart? against what is hurting her?
about all the pain in her soul?
but what am i? just another person in your life!?
i want to run away and never como back again.
i have just loose my self.
i want to disapear forever until i born again as a some else.
im in the edge of colapse and doesn't matter how hard i try im about to die.
i DON'T want to lose my faith on that superior someone that is suposed to be watching me.
but it seams to be so hard to believe right now.
pain only grows harder and happiness just blows away..

Your Mood Swings Are Kinda Giving Me Whiplash

oh boy!'
im sick of this miserable bitter sweet feeling that is consuming my energy and faith.
the way you switch your emotions it's hurting me more than you think.
one day you make me think that MAYBE you are in love as well, but the next it's like im invisible for you.
but im here? can you see me? can you see and realize how hard im falling for you with everyday that passes by?.
i know, im not that cute, not that smart and maybe im just and average girl with a normal life.. but i can bet nobody have ever felt this way for you.
i wish i had the stenght of letting you know how i feel so i could found out what you think.

i wonder if im wasting my time..
maybe i should let this/you go.

but then, your face again.
i don't want to close my eyes, its most likely .. you will be there.
i try to run away from you and never see your face again, im starting to feel scared... scared of you.
scared because i dont know how you are going to react.
becuase im not sure of what you feel, because i dont know if you like my company or if you want me to stay away from you.
scarede because this "deal" IS GETTING BIGGER.

i just need you to STOP acting hostil againt me!
you are really making this so hard for me!.