The F U R Y.

I've always felt these things. I don't think there are any words that describe them exactly, but hey are a combination of rage, anger, extreme pain. They mix together into what I call the Fury. I have know the Fury for as long as I can remember. It is the one thing that has been with me throughout my entire life. I am starting to learn how to deal with it, but until recently, the only way i knew was trhough acting rude agaist the ones i love.
The problem was that it would always come back, usually stronger, and that would require more and stronger fights to kill it, and that was the goal, to kill it.

I dont't know why, and I don't know if it matters, but whenever you are near me the Fury gets worse. I'm not saying you are the blame for it, because i don't think you are to blame. I know you did the best you could with me and I know I'm lucky to have you, and I can't think of anything in my background that would hava caused it.

Maybe the Fury is genetic, but I highly fucking doubt it, and i wont accept diseas and genetics as the cuase of it anyway. It makes it too easy to defletct the responsability for what i have done and what I have done knowing full well I was doing it.

How do I get better? I take responsability for myself and I learn to deal with myself and I learn to control the Fury, It might take a while, but if i hold on long enough and I don't accept exuces for failure or deflect what is essentially a problem I have caused, I can do it.

cause you are going to leave me at the end

It's hard to believe i finally found you. After serching and serching you came up to me right in the NOT so perfect time.
Even tho i thank God for giving me the chance to know you, i still believe we are togheter in the wrong time.
I have lost myself a million and one times and some of those times.. i didn't found me again.
And i can not lie to you.. im scared of losing myself.
I'm scared because this feelings are beyond what i ever imagine. Im flying so high but as higher i fly then falling will hurt more. I don't want a broken heart again.

I know i have the potencial for hurting you, i know so and i hate it.
I lose my brains regulary and im unstable. I live in a fantasy world and im always in a surreal place with my toughts. I don't know what's wrong with my but im someone hard to be with.
Im not the regular girl and that SUCKS.

I don't know how much is going to take you but im sure someday you will found out how different i am and then you wil have to decide if you want to stay in a crazy mad world with me or if you most run away. Runing aways seems easy, everyone does it. I dont worth your time nor you heart.

I can hear you already, complaining on how emo this is or how stupid i am for thinking this way.
But the truth is that i know myself better than I tought.
And my life is like rollercoaster everything goes from good to bad over over and over again.. unfortunately for some reason this rollercoaster loves to be down.

And as hard as I try i know i can't change this is the way I am..
Im standing to day infront of you and i can tell IM IN LOVE already.
Im in love with you, your shining personality, your humor, you elecuence, your face, your hands, your way, you and you!. Im lost in love, im completly and absolutely in love with you.

(...) you killed me today.
With does words.. so at the end your goingto leave me it doesn't matter in wich way you are gone, no today but you will sooner or later. GONE. Just like another shoting star in my dark sky.
No more light no more joy.. just fucking gone.

The man that lost his heart

Las sonrisas siempre fueron opacadas por rostros de indiferencias..

NO se como fue que este hombre empezo a peder la alegria en su vida, fue talvez su pasado.. su presente? la idea de su futuro?. Fuera como fuera habia perdido todo rastro de alegria.
Quien no es feliz no puede brindar calor, que corazon mas frio el que el tenia que pensamientos mas helidos.
Como pretendia amar sino habia nada mas que oscuridad dentro y fuera de el.

Debo admitir que aveces sentia miedo, miedo de que ese corazon nunca se derritiera y que mis manos no soportarian el frio de soster tal cubo de hielo.
Siempre quise encontrar la manera de cambiarlo, talvez no cmabiarlo solo hacerle ver el danio que el mismo se hacia mientras los dias pasaban.

Cada dia se llenaba mas de odio.. cada dia me alejaba mas de el. Me empujaba a salir de su vida me invitaba a dejarlo solo, solo con su caracter y amargura.
No pude mas y tube que dejar que siguiera solo su camino, un camino de indiferencia ah todo lo existente e imaginable.

Oh que desperdicio de hombre, tan inteligente, guapo con un enorme potencial...
Que te sucede hombre pequenio.. que te cambio? que te provoco tanto dolor?
Quisiera tener la cura para tu dolor.. ser quien te levante de esos lugares tan oscuros donde has caido. Poder ayudarte y ser una luz en todo lo lugubre que ahorita vives.

No puedo, no puedo guiarte sino me dejas. Sere esa estrella si tu lo deseas.
Estare siempre brillando en tu pavimento jamas dejare que te pieradas, aun si debo robar mas brillo de la luna,, sere quien alumbre tus profundas tristezas.
Desde lejos podre ayudarte pues mi brillo de cerca puede segarte.

Usaramos la distancia para comunicarnos. Seguiere aqui... Siempre.

And know I'm all yours

I woke up today with a huge smile in face even tho i was sure it wasn't going to be the best of days.
I took a deep breath and open the window.. it's a windy and cold day. Perfect for me.
Im a mess i confess to be honest there are a bunch of "issues" im carring lately.. but is ok I'm standing here today and im fine, no matter what.
I guess sometimes we need a little bit of lonelyness to find out how much we need those who rock our world :)


Im not sure how much this happiness is going to last in my life, cause it seems like happiness is not a long term for me.But im gonna take the best out of this situation.
The fact is that I found someone who can paint a blue sky for me.. no matter how gray the day is.
And it's not only a boy who is getting really into me. . it's a real friend. And I do not want to lose him. He's becoming the air I breath and every step i take. He's becoming more than i expected him to become.. and i like it.

Oh how lucky I am, for finding someone like him.
Someone who loves me for who I am and not for who I was. I made many mistakes in the past but he takes it all for me, in a nice and tender way.
And im afraid.. I might not be what he expects and that scares the shit out of me. But this make me wanna give my best and be THE BEST for him.

And yes, we like to wach the moon. It's our thing.
Why is this so important to me? Well I have spend 4 years watching the moon asking for some many dreams and waiting for them to come true.. none of them came true until now.. that im finally finding a balance in my life, and it doesn't matter how many people are gonna hate me for my decisions or how many people im losing I rather been happy than living my life for someone else.

And now finding out that there's someone else watching the moon milles away from me makes me tremble. Please continue making me feeling this way.
It doesn' matter what's to come lets continue.. We will work it out I promise.
Nothing is gonna stop me for loving you, and nothing is gonna tear me apart.. nothing but the day you don't want me by your side.
This type of thoughts are the ones who gave me hings that make my spine go cold and give me the gooseflesh...



"Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives , like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course . When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours "

Oh my God he is such a wonderful boy in such a beautiful way.

I couldn't sleep last night.
It's almost 10:00 am and im awake since yesterday.. my bed was so uncomfortable and the sounds of the night scared me as hell.
So as usual I start thinking and wondering and dreaming.

6:00am I opened the window to see the sunrise and once again get delight by the daylight. I am fulfilled for the very first time in this year.
Not because of what i lost of what i gained.. it's more for who I became.
I have faith by now even tho things are an effin mess. Im not alone this time and im sure im not going to be alone ever again. He is the perfect company.

Next year terrify me, oh just thinking on people reaction and how they are gonna be trying to ruin everything I built and everything I fight for.
But I don't want him to leave me..
I don't want him to realize how hard this is gonaa be. I want him to stay by my side no matter what.

I don't know how this become so strong in such a short time.. I don't care, all I want is him.
I want him to be mine.. MINE. And even tho I sound obssesed and weird, it's what I trully want.
There are no other eyes that make me feel this way.

I woke up this morning because of a stupid phone call.. and i wasn't able to fall asleep again.
For some reason i was feeling anxious and wierd, tho it wasn't a bad kind of feeling.
The truth is that i was waitng HIM to texted me or i don't know i was just simply waiting him to appear.
So, sleeping was not an option i spend 3 or 4 hours thinking about the same over and over again.
And there was no way i could erase that stupid smile of my face.
It's maybe because for the first time, im sure of what i want and how i want it to happen.
Im in love. And im in love with that SMILE God, if there was a way i could explain how i feel about that smile.. and those eyes.. those tender, sweet, and small eyes.

I've never felt it warm before, I mean, my heart. But he has somehow taken a very special place there.

He's now all sense that remains among this insanity (This scares the shit out of me).

I saw light coming through my window, daylight.
It was 9 in the morning and I was staring at my ceiling wondering, thinking.
Thinking about him, thinking it all over and over-thinking it all. Thinking and feeling better…

I can't help the thought that someday thinking this much will kill me.

what an emo

I know you hate me right now, and i now there's no fucking way that you can forgive me for what i did.
You wish for me nothing but death and i now there is in fact a lot i can do.

You are burning my letters, those that i did write from the bottom of my heart.
You were the light upon the darkest nights.
I know you hate me I KNOW YOU FUCKING HATE ME you hate me you hate you hate me you hate me.
And im never going to be happy again NEVER.. and i know that put a big smile on your face.
I honestly have the idea of killing myself and im not afraid of doing it.. that's gonna make everything easier right? sure it is.
I don't want this to sound as a sucide note, and im not sure if it is or not.

Im sorry for letting my heart to fall for someone else, im sorry for not being enough.. and i CAN'T live in what i did to you and all the hell i put you truh.
Im sorry if i say NOTHING when you call me but i can't, there is nothing left to say. I neve wish things to end up this way and i never tought about hurting you the way i did.. and i regret that fucking minute and im always going to hate this day and im never going to be able to stand up and walk couse for now and on im dead.
Im the worst shit in this shitty world im the worst whore in the entire world. im nothing nothing nothing.
Im the bitchest bitch and i deserve pain and suffering and all the damn bad things.

Hell is waiting for me and im ready to burn, burn as my letters. Im standing in front of all the bad things i have done in my life and i can say this was the worst.. not for me being sad, just for you being mad and depressed and angry and stuff.
I can understand the whole world hating me, i can understand you wishing me the worst..


It's not his fault, don't blame him.. he just gave what i was needing in that time.
It's my fault for not being strong and for letting myself go.

I HATE MY SELF I FUCKING HATE ME! im the worst human alive!, i hate god for making me born i hate him for letting me exist. And i hate you for being such an amazing person in my life and i hate this tears that i can't drop and i hate the words that i can tell and i hate i hate i hate.

If i could make time just go back!,.. if i could only make you smile.. But for so long i couldn't feel you where always so far away.
I now you hit me and i now you hurt me as well and you totally stoled my heart and it's still with you i guess that's why i can't feel it beating.
I wanna love you the way i did i want you to love me the way you did i want us to be happy and dance in the roof.
I want your eyes to look at me the same again, I want my eyes to shine for you again.
I want your self to be the same.
I want to wake up everysingle moment waiting to see you and hug you and be happy. But we lost that so long ago.


I honestly want you to kill me with your own hands.. I have never felt this way before.

but i wanna thank you.. for everything. For chanching me and for make me the happiest girl alive in 2 years. For being by my side all this time.. thank you for trying and thank you for your existance. Thanks for catch me everytime i fall thanks for letting me know waht love is at the end.
Thanks for share all your troubles with me and sorry for not fix them.
Thanks for your smile and sorry for your tears
Thanks for being you.